RAINY DAY

2

"You looked thin and extremely pale iha", tita looked at me worriedly through the screen.  tita is my mom's sister, out of her family members Tita Sally is the one I'm close to pati sa mga anak nito na si Rose na ka age ko at kay ate Yna, she's the definition of an ate I never had. 

Kumakain ka ba? nagluluto ba ang mga house keeper diyan? sunod sunod na tanong niya saakin. 

I shrug at her worried tone "Tita I'm okay" I said obviously lying. I know she caught on it because she looked me in the eye, kahit na through screen lang yung pag titig niya ramdam na ramdam ko yun ngayon. " It's pretty tough isn't it? my baby you're gonna grow old fast and that breaks my heart" she looked me in the eye with no pity but sadness in her eyes.

I looked at her and suddenly tears starts to build up in my eyes.

"Tita is here for you , rose and ate too. don't carry this alone."  she said it with a loving eyes. 

I begin to sob, sob like a child longing for someone to carry her, but now the difference is I need to carry myself on my own. 

"Kailan ka pupunta rito?" I already know what she meant at I know na sa Funeral home yun, napaiwas ako ng tingin kay tita, I don't want to go. I don't want to see their lifeless body in front of me. I want to bid my good bye I swear I do. but I'm not yet ready, I know I will never be ready.   "Malapit na ang libing ng mom and dad mo" she said 

My heart breaks when I heard that, shit. hindi na talaga sila babalik, hindi na talaga sila uuwi sa bahay. This is not a dream, this is real....

"Tita hindi ko po kaya" I looked at her vulnerably nangingilid na ang luha sa mga mata, she listened to me, her eyes insisting me to tell more. 

"Hearing about the news killed me already tita, I can't, umiling iling ako. I'm not ready to see it tita, I would never be ready" sambit ko my hands trembling.

she sighed "you already miss your graduation, I can't let you not see your parents in flesh for the last time" 

"Tita , respectfully I'm not gonna go" I said. stubborn it may seem but I really can't do it, I can't even go to their room here sa bahay , sa libing pa kaya nila? 

She sighed and looked at me 

"Are you sure?" 

I nodded 

"Okay , but if you've changed your mind may 3 days pa, alright?" 

I just nodded and we hang up. 

I scroll to my social media and I saw post of my batchmates, classmates nung graduation, I can't help but envy them. they have family with them to celebrate their milestone, they have a family that can take photos of them, they have a family that can ease their nervous system. but I don't have one, anymore. I can't help but pity myself.

Last week I remember my mom being excited on what she's gonna wear for the event, My dad was being nonchalant at first but I saw him brushing his shoes to make it look shiny again. I remember them saying "Mag co-college na ang unica hija namin, what do you want as a gift?" at that time wala akong masagot sa tanong na iyon.  but now mayroon na  I wish to be with you now, mom and dad. I sighed deeply my heart aching.  

because no amount of gift would ever fill the void you left.  I whispered 

once again that night  I tried to cope with the way I know how, but I failed miserably in the end I just  winced out all night because of the painful pounding of my head and I just woke up with a severe headache.

Fuck. I mumbled as I rolled down the stairs.  

Sana natuluyan nalang ako,  but no, nagkagasgas lang ako sa baba ko at nagkapasa lang sa tuhod ko. 

Goodness! Naiinis kong sambit habang tinitignan ang reflection ko sa whole body mirror namin at linalagyan ng gamot ang mga sugat at pasa ko. I winced kapag nadidikit ko ang bulak sa bawat sugat na nakuha ko. 

If only mom is here she would kiss the pain away , If only dad is here he would probably lecture me all night kahit na maliit lang naman ang sugat ko so that I won't hurt myself again. If only....

Now what? I asked. I spent the last 160 hours of my life trying to feel things I needed to feel, like grief, but deep within me, I know it's like telling me to move on from a heartbreak. I don't want to move on. The thing is, I'm only 18 years old. I don't know how to navigate this life, but scratch the "only". I'm 18 years old now, and I should act like an adult. I tried to tell myself that, however, I'm in the middle of my teens and adulthood. No one said this phase was supposed to suck. 

If my mom is here she would probably say  "Growing old is the beautiful part of life, Agnes" right now I would probably answer but mom I can't spend it with you and dad where's the beauty in it? 

Bumaba ako sa kitchen, Looking for, you guess it, a booze. But on the way, I stumble upon a box lying on the bottom part of the coffee table. I sat at the floor and analyze it, the box was filled with roses, and my heart clenched knowing this was handcrafted by my mom. 

I open the box filled with hesitation if I should continue and I slowly run my fingers sa photobook namin, I don't know why I'm just running my fingers sa cover page my heart stings, I can't get myself to open it. It feels like I shouldn't open it again. but my hands has different mind on its own as it flip through the pages slowly.

It stopped in the photo where it was my day of birth; my mom was looking at me with happy eyes, and dad's reflection was seen in her eyes. He was the one capturing the moment.

next picture is when My dad was so happy as he carry me. 

I smiled , my heart aching as I felt hot tears flowing down my cheeks, I tried to wipe it off but my eyes was crying non stop. 

Wala naman kayong ginawang masama..... you guys are good people but why did he took you so early? I whispered , my hands is trembling while holding the picture and my free hand was turning into a fist.  I felt like I was choking in pain with how heavy my heart is right now.

I got up and look through the cabinets, something I shouldn't be searching for in the first place. It's so heavy! I winced holding my left chest, god It's choking the hell out of me.... I said sighing deeply trying to catch my breathe still looking for the blade. 

I looked through the last compartment of the cabinet I can feel my lips curled up into a small smile as I feel the sharp blade on my fingers, kinuha ko ito at tinignan ng maigi thinking my mom wouldn't be happy if I did this, she would be angry, my dad would be disappointed and he will not talk to me for weeks. but then they're not here anymore... I smiled sadly.

With trembling hands, I took the blade and slowly positioned it on my wrist. I sigh deeply as I move the blade. The stinging of the blade felt numbing; I didn't feel how painful it was compared to the blood that poured out of my wrist. 

I'm sorry mom and dad.