RAINY DAY

5

I'm now sitting at the foot of my bed , remembering how sad his eyes are talking about his kuya. na para bang talking about it makes him weak; it's like showing the piles of scars he carries from it.

I was about to ask more about his story, he sure does made me intrigued I feel like at that moment I want to resonate with him in a deeper level. but then as always he vanishes in a blink of an eye, parang ang hirap tuloy pumikit and even blink kapag kasama ko siya kasi nawawala agad siya sa paningin ko without a warning. 

"If that isn't a ghost, ano siya?" Napaisip naman ako ng malalim dahil dun. napatigil lang ako sa pagiisip nang marinig ko ang kaluskos sa bintana mabilis naman akong pumunta sa bintana expecting that it was him, but I was a little disappointed when I saw a cat. 

I'm not fond of cats but I don't hate cats either, tinitigan ko siya and he stares at me back this little eye contact made me want to let it come in,  this cat has ocean blue eyes. I smiled. it also has an orange fur and a perky ears. I know na may nagmamay-ari sakanya kasi he is big. yung tipong alam mong may nag-aalaga, at alam mong nakakain more than once.

I don't know why but I slowly open the window, the cat was delighted at sinisiksik niya pa yung ulo niya just to enter my room, nang mabukas ko ang window it jumped at nang makapasok na siya it quickly laid down sa darkest spot ng room ko, the only light that  my bedroom has is the sunlight. 

dahan dahan akong lumapit sakanya para hindi siya matakot saakin, umupo ako sa tapat niya at tinitigan kung paano niya isiksik yung sarili niya sa laylayan ng comforter ng kama ko, dahan dahan kong rinub ang ulo nito the cat purred softly and it shifted it's position to show his belly. 

I smiled softly. "Ang cute mo naman" I mumbled and continue to rub him. 

I didn't know that being close to a cat and petting it is fulfilling I smiled softly. 

growing up kasi I'm not really exposed sa mga animals, nakikita ko lang ang iba't ibang animals sa mga books, safari and  pati sa zoo I  have an encounter naman pero yung sa malayuan lang, like pag pumunta kami sa zoo and safari my mom will always follow me and tell me not to go near it, not to touch it, just look,  like she's always afraid that I might get hurt.

 Nagkaroon lang ako ng first and last pet ko noong bata ako, si whitey yung aso namin, but my mom has an allergy with fur that's why after a month binigay din si whitey sa relative namin but then after a year or two namatay din si whitey because of some complications. After that we didn't try na mag alaga pa, I tried to ask them for one every Christmas  but I got rejected every year. There will always be a reason for that pero ang pinakatumatak saakin is when I'm 10-12 years old my dad will always tell me "Walang mag aalaga diyan" tapos my mom would promise "Anak next time nalang ah?" to not hurt my little me. I chuckled at that memory. 

I didn't know how long I stayed there with the cat but when the cat woke up it quickly run to the window na para bang hindi ko siya pinatulog sa kwarto ko! He didn't even say thanks I pouted. They always leave huh? I sighed, napatulala nalang ako. wondering when would I gonna meet the cat again? 

Naputol ang malalim na pagiisip ko nang malakas na nag pop up at tumunog ang notifications ng emergency alert sa cellphone ko. 

"Ilang bahagi sa Luzon ay makakaranas ng patuloy na malakas na pagulan"

lumapit ako sa may bintana at nakita ang malakas na paghampas ng hangin sa mga puno, at ang  madilim na mga ulap kahit hapon palamang. 

"Ang lakas nanaman ng ulan..." I mumbled my heart was getting heavy as I saw the rain drops at the window accompanied with lightning.  My heart was beating fast after that lightning strike. Ang lakas lakas na para bang kapag  tumama sayo ito ay siguradong maku-kuryente ka. I hated loud lightning strikes whenever it happens  I was having a mental breakdown during all those, naninikip yung dibdib at nawawala ako sa sarili.

I bit the inside of my cheeks, ramdam ko parin ang pag kabog ng puso ko dahil sa kulog na iyon. ngayon nalang ako nakaranas ng sobrang lakas na kulog at nang makarinig nito na wala ang magulang ko feels so so heavy that I wanted to cry. As another lightning strike ay gulat na gulat ako at naginginig na napayuko, napahawak naman ako sa kumakabog kong dibdib, my heart was beating so fast it was worse than palpitation, I wanted to cry so badly but there is no tears escaping in my eyes na para bang nawalan na ako ng luha pagkatapos ng pagiyak ko buong linggo.

I was shaking severely,  Natauhan lang ako ng maramdaman ang mainit na dampi ng palad sa balikat ko, napatingin naman ako kay Romar na nakatayo sa likod ko."huminga ka ng malalim" he whispered. I looked at him vulnerably but he just stared at me with gentleness in his eyes. Huminga ako ng malalim and then breathe in and out. "It's okay..." he mumbled he rub my shoulder. Napapikit naman ako at naramdaman na unti unting naiipon ang mga luha sa mata ko na unti unting naging maiinit na luha na tumutulo sa mukha ko.kung kanina ay hindi ko mailabas ang mga luha ngayon naman'y hindi ko ito mapigilan. He silently pat my back, napaupo naman na ako sa sahig. He was just silent, the only thing that you will hear sa kwarto ay ang malalim na paghinga niya at ang hagulgol ko. I was crying my heart out nang bumalik na ako sa wisyo ay dahan dahan niyang linahad ang kamay niya at pinakita saakin ito, I look at him I was a mess , My hands was shaking as I reach for his hand, he held my hand tightly. 

"I'm here"  he whispered looking at my trembling hands I look at him with a tear in my eyes. 

When I calmed down we sat at the sofa, It was still pouring outside but its a bit lighter than earlier, he gave me a cup of green tea stating that it has calming effects. I smiled at him.

"Salamat" I held the cup wrapping my hands on the warm mug. he was watching me intently, kanina niya pa ako inaasikaso putting the blanket around me, guiding me to the sofa and now giving me green tea. I can't help but feel a sense of comfort with his presence.

We were surrounded with silence, silence na hindi awkward. yung silence na pampakalma he break the silence with this question.

"Kailan ka pa may phobia sa lightning?" he asks carefully. 

I look at him as I held my cup tightly, he observe my action kaya mabilis niyang binawi ang sinabi niya  "Okay lang kahit wag mong sagutin,  you really don't have to if you're not comf-" I quickly cut him off. 

"Simula bata pa ako" My eyes darts to the window. I remember when I was a child takot na takot ako sa kulog nahihirapan si mom and dad na magpakalma saakin kasi iyak ako ng iyak, hindi ako mapapatigil na simpleng  "tahan na tahan na" It takes time, My mom tried to help me overcome such fear by letting me be expose with those situations pero It just got worst, na hanggang ngayon dala ko parin. 

I look at him after a minute of his silence, his eyes met mine and he was like urging me to tell him more about it. 

"Never got over it, and now I think its worsen" I sigh sipping the green tea. 

Umiling siya  "You can overcome it,  tignan mo nga you manage to get up and take a deep breath" he says with a proud smile. 

"I manage to do that because you were here" I look at me giving him credit, because he really helped me with this break down of mine. 

Umiiling siya "You did it-" I cut him off 

"Thank you" He blinked surprised  "Nako wag ka mag thank you-" I cut him off again

"Thank you for helping me , Romar" I smiled softly. 

I'm not okay, but I guess it's okay.