RAINY DAY

7

I build my own wall, brick by brick. I know that I'll be alone, but at least I'm safe. I'm safe from the people who use my anguish against me. I understand how difficult it is to break through those walls. It's nearly impossible and it will require a long time before I let you in. I realize nobody really tried the hardest to get there though; some say it was too much. and I also realize that I hold onto this wall for a long time because I don't want to burden others with it, to keep them out into my own mess.

I scroll down to the message app in my phone and I felt a pang of guilt creeping into my heart, seeing how many unread texts and unanswered calls I have from my friends. My two only friends who was able to breaks those walls, who was able to stay with me even after all of us move to different schools to pursue the strand we want to pursue. I pushed them away that's for sure. I push them away by losing touch with them by not replying or even reading their texts nor answering their calls.

In the back of my mind, I know they will understand. It's tough to lose someone, especially our parents. and I just lost mine. I'm sure they will understand. I tried to persuade myself, but guilt crept into me more than those little voices in my head.

They will not understand that. Heck, would you understand that, Agnes? I asked myself. I'm sure if I'm hurting so much, they expect me to go with them; they expect me to ask them to be with me. I'm sure they're devastated when they can't get ahold of me. I'm sure they've felt hurt when I pushed them away. but then I don't want to burden them or make them feel sad just because I am. I don't want to pull them down with me. I don't want to put them in this mess. Even though I miss them so much, I just can't push myself to text them or call them. I sigh deeply as I tap the exit button in my messages app and throw my phone on my bed as I wrap my arms around my knee and lean on it. sighing heavily.

I was having an emotional moment when a loud vibrating sound of notifications interrupted me fully distracting me from my thoughts.

I held my phone opening the social media app with the most notification and my forehead crease as I see thousands of mentions from people I don't even know. What is happening?

My forehead crease more as I saw a text message from tita. "Huwag mong damdamin ang sinasabi ng iba ha? Hindi mahalaga ang sinasabi nila, okay? kung pwede wag ka munang mag social media, I love you anak"

I was confused, what does she mean? but it made me more intrigued without hesitation my finger quickly tap the top notification that appear.

A post from lucisantos1112

Isa akong tauhan nila Madam at Sir sa isang planta, at napaka sakit saakin na makita sila sa huling pagkakataon. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit hindi ko nakita yung unica hija nila ma'am and sir?, grabe naman yung ugali nagiisa na nga lang na anak hindi man lang binisita ang mga magulang sa huling pagkakataon.

My first slowly clenched, how dare she say this? my eyes started to water. My fingers continue to scroll despite the heavy feeling of my heart.

Replied by several people

One comment particularly caught my eye , my knuckles are now turning white.

Simula lamay hanggang sa huling araw ng libing ay hindi namin nakita ang anak at halatang si Ma'am Sally lang ang naroon at nagaasikaso. Parang hindi pinalaki ng tama naman ang anak. grabe...

I felt hot tears rush down my cheeks as I read the comment. How can anyone condemn me without understanding what I'm going through? What destroys my heart more is that no one is defending me; no one bothers to understand me! And it saddens me that I can't defend myself when they're all ganging up on me; I have no excuse, and my reasons appear so selfish.

I continue to scroll down the comments, and all I see are people mentioning me and agreeing to the post. They said that perhaps it was my parents fault for having a child who did not care about them. They're putting the blame on my parents, and it kills me! They're already dead! Why can't they give them peace? It was hard to read through the comment as my eyes became blurry because of the tears that streamed down my eyes.

Another notification appear, it momentarily distract me from crying, I notice it was an email from my school I quickly sigh and choose not to open it, I'm not ready to see it I mumble and close my phone and put it on the cabinet. I already saw many things that broke my heart today, I can't handle it anymore. before I walk away I heard it ring, I saw the caller ID and it was tita. I quickly answer it.

"Hello, iha" she greet me happily

"Tita" My heart clenching hearing tita's voice, her voice is somewhat comforting, tears start to stream down my face again.

"Umiiyak ka?" she worriedly ask

"Hindi po" I tried to lie as I wipe my tears.

"I know you are crying" She quickly says sympathetically busting my own little lie

"Sabi ko kasi sayo huwag mong basahin..." she sighs

I quickly let myself cry knowing that she understands me.

"Tita, ansakit po ng sinasabi nila" I said almost whining like a child

"Don't worry we will put down the post ah?" She quickly says

"Kahit na wag na po-"

She cut me off "You're already dealing with so much pain, I'm not letting people hurt you more"

"Tita" I cried out

"Love ka ni tita remember that, pag ready ka na you can go to the cemetery your mom and dad misses you that's for sure"

I quickly nodded even though tita doesn't see it "Thank you tita, love you!" Then we both hang up.

I put the phone in the cabinets and moved towards the window, noticing how brightly the sun was shining. I still have the bruise that people commented on against me, yet I felt safe despite the attacks. My tita was there to protect me, and I cannot thank her enough. "I still have someone by my side," I said as tears streamed down my cheeks again. But not with agony, but with gratitude.

I look out the window at the bright light that surrounds the sky, yearning for his return.