ROADSIDE FLOWERS ( t. kageyama )

xxii. white horses

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roadside flowers.
chapter 22: white horses
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in the beginning, i thought it was going to be okay eventually, mother and eniko were starting to mend the wounds they inflicted upon each other, aichi had finally been able to pursue his dreams and slowly became civil with me. it comforted me so much i thought that the divorce did not exist.

in the end, i cowered again. maybe i should have told eniko, maybe she would have found a way. i am not my sister who is strong and capable. maybe i shouldn't have believed in my self so much. my weak, pathetic self. i could have done better. i should have done better. now this family is breaking apart and i'm just sitting in the corner of the kitchen helpless and shaking.

if only i told eniko, if only i did more.

it's my fault again.

i do not realize the passage of time and was only reminded of it when aichi comes home with eyebrows furrowed at our current states.

my mother is trembling with myriads of emotions as eniko attempts to soothe both of their feelings. mai, despite not being particularly fond of her twin is doing her best to cheer up mei. next to mother, mei is probably the one hurt most by this development. mei and kyoichiro have always been close. they were like aichi and i minus the insecurities and the callous words.

"what happened, eniko?" aichi asks softly, approaching my mother and eniko seated at the dining table next to each other. the loud noise of the television from the living room only becomes prominent now. "mei's crying."

"teru... what happened?"

eniko doesn't say anything. i can see her lips trembling, her eyes glazed with fatigue. so aichi turns to me, to pathetic, weak me. i lower my gaze and shrivel away into the corner, silent words rising before falling listlessly in my chest. i try to answer— really, i do— but i can't. i don't have any strength to.

"your father," mother's voice is raspy like she just swallowed sandpaper, but she manages to get the message across. "he's gone and he took kyoichiro with him."

i don't have time to look at aichi, because my attention is immediately attracted by a loud, sobbing noise that comes from the living room. and even though she is already tired, even though she has wrung so much strength from her bones that she's probably drained, eniko still manages to make her way to my siblings.

mother and aichiro trail after her and after long seconds of convincing my legs to work as they should, i manage to follow them. when i arrive, the noise from the television is gone, and my family is huddled around eniko who's pressing mei's cellular phone unto her ear.

"what's happening?" i ask aichi, but he only shushes me.

eniko looks deathly pale, sweat dotting her face. "okay, kyo, listen to me, do you see any signs near your room? any places you've stopped perhaps?"

"turn the speaker on," mother tells her.

"...a store near the... rice fields, then father drived to the inn..."

eniko ushers me with her hands. get your phone, she mouths to me and with meager strength, i manage to grab my phone from the dining table.

"okay, kyo, you're doing great. any signages?" eniko says, her voice composed. then she turns to me. "teru, search for any nearby convenience stores. near rice fields, okay?"

i nod at her and she smiles gratefully at me before she moves the phone away from mother. said woman looks like she's on hysterics, but i can see the minuscule efforts she's making into comforting herself. she is the adult in this household, the mother tasked in protecting her children. she heaves constant breaths to calm herself. one at a time.