I thought you were dead.
In a ditch, In a motel, In an alley. In every dark corner I passed,
I saw you there.
Glassy eyes, Sunken cheeks... Blood and Bone and Gristle
Just.
Dead.
There was needle sticking out of your arm, Or a hole in your chest,
Sometimes a knife in your throat. Sometimes you spoke before you slipped away,
Words I couldn't quite catch.
Then...
You were gone. You died, Over and
Over and Over again.
It kept happening,
There was no way to stop it.
So I had to forget. To carve out The pieces of you that lay inside of me.
And even so... In your absence, I died too.
In that ditch beside you... Holding your hand tight.
In that motel near you, Caressing your cold cheek.
In that alley across from you, Bleeding out I cried.
And I died. And I died. And I died.
Screaming, I died. Crying, I died.
Without a sound, I died. With the shape of your absence still etched across my skin...
I died. I ached for you in a way I couldn't describe,
Never knowing... Never knowing.
Was there someone to hold you close? When you cried?
To wipe away the tears? To whisper promises they'd always keep?
Was there a hand to hold yours When the darkness pressed in?
When the shadows lengthened And the moon disappeared,
Was there someone there for you? Was there someone who loved you The way that you deserved?
Someone like the girl Who walked up to that house She was so afraid of
And knocked on that door. Afraid of who might answer.
In order to just to catch a glimpse Of that smile I knew so well..
.
How I ached and wept and screamed and raged.
How I hated you. The memories. The lack of you. Your absence.
That I despised. Your loss that shattered me, Every moment you were gone.
Even when you stood before me... You weren't there.
It was ghost, Who wore your face. A ghost that didn't care about me...
Haunting me. Hurting me. Breaking my heart.
The person that I knew, The boy that I loved, The friend that I needed...
You were dead and gone. And there was nothing that I remembered Standing before front of me.
Without my protector, The darkness pressed in.
My secrets left unspoken, Died within, With no trusting ear to hear them.
My tears couldn't stop running, Without you there to lightened the shadow.
I moved on from you. Yet I sought you, Over and over.
And over and over again. Boys who looked like you. Girls who laughed like you.
Friends who held the smallest trace Of your selfish eyes. It was never enough.
I fell Further and Further into the abyss... Chasing your shade.
You were dead.
How was I still alive? Didn't we promise To always be there for each other?
Should I be dead too? I chased death Just to be near you Again. But I never found you.
Where were you? Where were you?
Where were you? Where were you?
Then you knocked on my door... This wasn't the first time
Your corpse had sought me out. Approached your shade
With the same forced indifference I had3 times before. That strung out corpse.
Those dead and wild eyes. Always things a rake, Your clothes ratty and filth ridden.
A dirty van, The smell of weed, Shit land piss, Dried blood on your cuffs, Homeless. Strung out.
Dead.
But this time... There was this spark, A spark, I hadn't seen since we were children.
Your clothes were clean. You were wearing that stupid cowboy hat. Like the ones you wore...
When we were kids. I hadn't seen it in years. You smiled. You spoke. There was weight on your skin
On your bones. You looked like you...You were you! You were alive. You were in front of me.
I didn't know how! I didn't care. You tried to apologize. For what you put me through.
I brushed them off... Your apologies Without explaining why. It didn't matter what you did/
When you were dead. You were alive now! You were back in my arms. Solid and strong.
Your bravado, Your idiotic humor, That goofy grin. It was you And you were with me again
Everything was right in the world.
We walked, We talked. We laughed. I tried not to cry. You had to leave, I wanted you to stay.
But you couldn't stay long. You had Togo. It wasn't enough.
You were back, And I didn't want to let go. To let you out of my sight, I couldn't believe my eyes.
I followed you like a puppy... You were you again. The memories flooded back.
The pieces of my heart I had forgotten and pushed away Roared to life once more.
My heart was beating in my chest. I couldn't take my eyes off of you.
Even when you weren't talking to me. Sitting on the floor, Hat in your hands.
Like an old movie, your words were lost to me. But you were still there.
I tried to listen. But you were therebefore me, I could feel you crackling in the air
Your heart beat was there, You were alive, I didn't care how. You were home.
