The Immortal Diaries

The Neko-mancer(...)

***warning might give you feels and ruin your momentum***

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Have you ever been feeling sad and you don't know the reason why you are sad? Then suddenly, someone reminded you why you are sad and how idiotic you are?  Well this explains this part of the book.

Months ago since it all happen. I've been told by the dearest that we should cut-off the strings of bonds between us, the reason was "It was getting on our way that might infuriate other people."

All I can do was admit... and just keep all the thorns in my hand and prick my chest with it, slowly that would torture me, leaving you emotionally unstable, waalking aimlessly as the consiousness wasn't taking over.

Then the last of the conversation was set up. I was ready, I've always been ready for it. The details to be heard, every frequency of the words stating in my mind "Its the last of it's link, soon the string will be on ember, turning it into ashes." And yes it was.

I wanted to say something that might change the mind of the dearest. But, I decided not to, it's for her own good, it's what she wants. They said, if you really adore the person... Let her GO and that's the sign of "Bravery".

Then the time came when I shivered and turned into a coward. Longing for the gentle and kindness. As I gaze upon the beautiful peice, it gives me a flashback of the golden times. I clenched my fist and just-... Just smiled as if, it wasn't there. But as if I claim it wasn't there, the repentance repented itself.

I feel like I've been strangled by a lot of objects and every blades and sharp object penetrate my body. It was an odd feeling of pain, it wasn't real, but rather a feeling of nostalgia. The feeling being left, at birth, mixed with guilt and shame. "Father? What's that? Someone who protects?" It was like that, being left... Filled with hatred, boosted by depression, soaked in burden and ripped by agony.

But... There was no point of feeling those. It was already me all along. All I can do is... Listen.... Savor every note of the song on my head. Saint-seans Violin Concerto No.3 in B-major, performed by Julia Fischer. A performance which I relates to my dignity. The happiness towards other yet the lonesome me.

A grouped of school mates asked me, from the same year I was. Asking for the parts they need, I was glad to help them. The got the parts they need, said the goodbyes and their deepest gratitude yet, I turned my back and walk silently with a awful smile.

I feel like a man with a untruthful personality. I guess this is the reason why I feel unproductive for both gradings. I didn't cared much about my studies, unlike I told myself to be the best of em'. I was cheating myself after all, feeling like a rebellious punk.

A friend of my asked me about everything, she was curious sonI gave her answers, afterwards she felt guilty. She was itching to tell me about something, she said that it may cut my feelings but I just said "I'm already wounded, don't worry." She told me that "She said that she already moved on." the ironic part was the wound opened and deepened but on the other hand, I was happy, happy for her. She already got rid of me, she doesn't need to think anymore, she doesn't need to mind a thing to me anymore. I was happy, very happy. My tears fell off my eye when a friend told me. She asked me if I was okay, I said that I was, I was okay with it, she doesn't need to care about me anymore. She got rid of me... And made an unusual grin.

It's quite nice isn't it?...

Living on a life full of pain...

Now I'm sick, everything that is about to kill me, is making me feel so alive to face the world and reside slowly.

I've been always wondering why I demand there is always positive things that will come to a person.

I remember, they deserve it.

On which, I don't....

~ The Neko-mancer

Sorry if this is sad. I feel like expressing myself. That's all and sorry. *bows* k bye