A Second Chance?

Chapter 4

~2 months ago~

  Ryan and Brendon had been hanging out quite a bit over the past month. They'd gone to the movies, gone bowling, and had dinner at each other's apartments, as well as had coffee at the coffee shop. After a couple of times hanging out, Brendon would move in to try to kiss him, but Ryan would always turn his head so Brendon caught his cheek. He could sense Brendon's hurt at the rejection, but Ryan could not help it. A kiss would definitely feel like cheating on Sam.

  Tonight they had gone out to play mini-golf at one of the big fun centers near the Strip. They'd had a great time, both teasing each other over how much each of them sucked at the game. Ryan felt something in the midst of their banter: warmth in his chest. And that scared the shit out of him. He was cheating on Sam, for sure.

  He was quiet on the bus ride home. Brendon noticed but didn't want to push him over it. When they got to Brendon's apartment, he invited Ryan up for a beer, and Ryan hesitantly accepted.

  He settled on the couch in Brendon's living room and Brendon brought the drinks in. They sat together there, but once Brendon sat down pressed against him, Ryan scooted over and put some distance between them. He could see the hurt in Brendon's eyes all over again.

  They were quiet for a minute, then Brendon finally said, "Ryan, I need to ask you something, and just be honest with me. Why is it that every time I try to move things forward with us a little, you pull away? I'd hoped it was obvious, but I really like you, Ry. I even feel like I'm falling for you, and I just need to know if I'm doing something wrong."

  Ryan stared at Brendon wide-eyed. Falling for him?? Oh shit, oh no, that couldn't happen. Ryan needed to nip this in the bud, right now.

"Brendon, I...I need to tell you a story. Before I do, let me say that you're a wonderful guy. I enjoy your company and friendship so very much."

  Brendon chuckled dryly. "Why do I get the distinct feeling I'm about to be friend-zoned?"

  Ryan sighed. "Just listen....Long before we met, I was in a long-term relationship, like over 4 years long. His name was Sam. We were in love in every way. Long story short, we didn't break up. He died in a car accident 14 months ago. He was ripped out of my life, and it was so unfair."

  Brendon's face fell, and Ryan could see his eyes were glassy with tears. "Oh, Ryan...I'm so sorry, Ry."

  Ryan smiled sadly. "I know, and thank you. But what I'm trying to tell you is, I'm still in love with Sam. I can't date you, Brendon. That would be cheating on him in my eyes. I was just hanging out because I really wanted a friend...someone whose company I can enjoy. I can't get romantically involved - I already am. I don't have my own heart to give. Sam took it with him when he went."

  Brendon regarded Ryan quietly for a few moments. "But Ryan, and I don't mean to be insensitive here...Sam died. You can't cheat on him, because he can't be in a relationship with you anymore. I'm not saying that to try to get you to do what I want. I'm saying it because if you stick to thinking this way, you'll only be alone for the rest of your life."

  Ryan flinched. He knew he wasn't going to ever be able to explain this in a way anyone else would understand. "I know what you are saying, Bren, and I know that virtually anyone else would tell me the exact same thing. But I just can't see it that way. Sam was my soulmate. It was so clear we were meant to be together forever. I can't change that just because he's not around anymore."

  Brendon nodded sadly and looked at his lap. "So...you're saying I have no chance with you aside from being friends?"

  Ryan nodded. "I'm sorry, Bren, but that's what I'm saying. Please don't take it personally, because no one else has a chance either." Ryan was actively squashing the part of his brain that felt immensely attracted to Brendon, both physically and relationally. Brendon made him feel warm and cared for. And if Ryan were able to be honest with himself, Brendon turned him on, too.