-Home- [Kim Doyoung]

Chapter 18 - blur

"Good luck.", he chuckles and hurriedly leaves Frank's place. From the big windows I continue watching him as he runs towards the other side of the street, takes out his phone and dials some number. Then he vanishes into some dark alley. 

Why is every conversation with him like this?  I mean I do like him, I really do, but why do I feel so empty after talking to him. It's not because I miss him, even though this surely does contribute into this emptiness, but it's rather because conversations with him don't lead to anything. It's like talking to a really bad therapist. It leaves you still feeling shitty even though you've spilled everything that makes you feel that way. You know, a conversation or dialogue consits of two people. If one of them only gives their responses halfheartedly and far too vaguely, the conversation can't work out. In that regard, I'm both the patient and the therapist. Even a bad therapist would suffer under one of these patients that can't seem to tell the truth and just keep insisting they're fine and don't know why they are actually here. If you really were okay, than you wouldn't seek for help. 

And that's something I really want Doyoung to understand. Even though I'm glad that he's been opening up to me about his fears and the whole Johnny issue, there's still a long way to go. But then again, it hasn't been this long since we've known each other. We've basically met each other for the first time just about a month ago. But is it really a month? It doesn't feel like a month?? When I'm talking to Doyoung I feel like I'm talking to a childhood friend of mine, someone that I used to know in the past and then lost sight of. But even though we haven't seen each other for a long time, we still have some kind of connection because we're childhood friends. And that's exactly how I feel about Doyoung. 

I think Doyoung is someone that got lost on his way. I know for a fact that, him being a thug isn't his natural self. But somehow he became like this. 

I'm not the kind of person that has this urge to change everyone for the better. I know that the will for a change has to be there in order to really be able to change. And I feel like Doyoung has this will inside of him. 

By saying "Good luck" with this sarcastic undertone in his voice he didn't really intend to tell me that I won't be able to find out anything about him, but it was rather like a cry for help. He wants me to find out by myself as he simply can't tell me everything. 

Bring it on. I'll do anything to make this emptiness disappear. I want our relationship to change for the better, because right now it rather seems like an ill-fated on than a fated one. 

"Where should I even start?", I sigh to myself as I scan the room. There's not even one spot that is clean or not messy. However, because of really feeling guilty because of my tantrum I should really clean this mess up. Who knows? Maybe by doing so I can make a foundation for a better relationship between me and Frank. New place, new me, alright? Let's really pretend that I'm a different person now. I'll not stay in this gridlock, I'll move forward. 

Energetically, I jump up from my chair and immediately start picking up trash and other things in here. It's really as if Frank didn't even care the slightest bit whenever someone dropped napkins, cans or even cutlery. I wonder if he's the owner of this place because I don't think that anyone would want to eat in a restaurant like this. Or maybe he's making money with a delivery service?  

"Amazing, you're really trying to be useful, aren't you?", Frank chuckles as he throws the door open. He really doesn't know what modesty is. 

"Why are you so hostile towards me? What do you gain from it?", I ask dropping a few empty cans on the floor. As the clanking noice echos through the room, I notice how big it actually is. I know I've asked myself this question so so often today, but how can he pay rent for a place like this. He has to be the owner. And if so, how come he owns a house.