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Chapter 20 - of course

"Someone who wants to live but has to die or someone who wants to die but has to live, which one would you rather be?", I ask as I continue to scan the people in the tube. It feels like it has been years since I've been able to do that. I'd lie if I said I didn't miss doing it. I've always enjoyed meeting different and unique people, even if this meeting in reality only consists of me analysing their behavior and making up stories in my mind. However, still feel closer to them after doing that. It might sound ridiculous, but everytime I do that, I kind of feel like I've made a new friend. Well, the only exception to that might be when I met Johnny there. I wasn't really that keen on talking to him. 

"The former, I guess. But please don't judge me, Miss Soon-to-be-psychologist.", Doyoung eventually answers after thinking about it for about half a minute. 

"Someone who wants to live but has to die.", I slowly repeat stressing every syllable of every word. 

"You know, I won't judge you. Actually, I'm not in the position to.", I add and continue watching a young man struggling with his tie. It's obvious that he hasn't worn a suit before as the one he wears is at least one size to big. Maybe it's his brother's or his dad's. Either way, he looks like a lost puppy, which is actually kind of adorable. 

"Man, I wish I knew how to tie a tie", I sigh as I continue watching the man's struggle. 

Following my statement, Doyoung suddenly gets up and taps the man on his right shoulder. Then shortly afterwards Doyoung grabs his tie and ties it in the man's stead. If it weren't for the man's thankful smile, one could really think that Doyoung was about to start a fight with him as he might have grabbed his collar slightly to roughly. I swear I could even see the old woman next to them flinsh a bit as soon as Doyoung got up. Amazing how easily one's actions can be misunderstood. 

But honestly, it was a great thing to watch. Doyoung kind of struggling with the tie, too, and continiously asking if he didn't tie it too tight, while the man just kind of stands there watching Doyoung with eyes gleaming in astonishment. If this wasn't the subway, you could really think that you're watching one of those family soaps, in which the big brother's always kind of unemotional towards his younger brother, but actually cares about him deeply and shows it in small actions. If Doyoung were to star in one of these, I'd definitely watch it. 

Just shortly after Doyoung finishes, the man gets off the tube and shoots him a finger heart through the window. Then he quickly runs away. That might have been one of the most heartwarming things I've ever experienced on the tube. 

"Anyway, where did we left off", he says. 

"Don't even try to change the topic, I can see that you're blushing.", I tease and cup his face in my hands, "You're cheeks are warmer than my old apartment in summer." 

"Do you really want to act like one of these obnoxious couples that want to rob it into your face that they are oh so happy and in love.", he then seriously says and glares at me. 

"I guess I don't", I answer and put my hands on my lap again. Is this what you call rejection? 

"Uhm, why did you pick the former, tho?", I ask to distract myself from the fact that he just embarrassed me in front of all the people in the tube. 

"I don't know. Not everything I say has a greater meaning to it. I guess I just don't want to live while wanting to die.", he states and we fall into a silence again. 

I'm sorry Doyoung, but I can't help but overthink everything you say. But how else should I get closer to you, if not through your words? 

"Get up, we're here.", he suddenly says, grabs my wrist and drags me through the subway station.