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Chapter 16 - ambivalent

Surprisingly, my guess wasn't proven to be true. In fact, this might have been the best sleep I've ever gotten. Maybe my body wants to prepare me for all the difficulties in the future. Or maybe that's just a coincidence. I've been dwelling on this matter long enough last night, so why would I repeat this today? 

Even though the sleep still clings onto my body and drags me down, right into my comfortable mess of pillows again, I force my body to get up. I dizzily waddle towards the sink and wash my face. In times like this, having a one-room apartment has its advantages. I wonder whether I'll have more space starting today. 

After about one minute I apruptly step away from the sink, making the water drip from my face and hair onto the bare floor. Even though my eyes burn because of the over-average amount of chloride in the tap water, I open them up and continue staring at the floor. This is it. I don't want to move. I really don't want to move. I don't want any changes in my life, I want everything to stay as unexciting as usual. Why did I have to get involved with Doyoung? What has gotten into you, Nina? 

Frustrated and dissatisfied with everything I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Now I can't even distinguish the droplets of my tears and the droplets of water from my hair. What use is it crying over this? It doesen't change anything, yet, I can't seem to stop doing so. I don't even know why the tears are flowing now. It's a mix of different emotions, but I can't even make out a single one of them. But what I know is that I shouldn't do this right now. Instead, I should pack my things, I should call Doyoung and ask whether he could show me where Frank's place was because I couldn't remember. But, in fact, I'm doing anything but this. 

Slowly, I waddle towards the sink again in an attempt to dry my hair and my face, in which I partly succeed. However, the tears are still staining my face. But there isn't anything I can do. I need to pack up my stuff now, even if it means crying while doing so. I know that I gotta do this, even though my heart, my brain or something else inside of me doesn't want me to do so. 

What I'm doing right now isn't exactly something so new to me. I remember everytime I had my English exams, which meant writing long-ass essays in four to five hours, I always felt like crying. Not because I'm that bad at writing or analysing linguistic stuff, that's actually wrong I always got decent grades in English, but the task just seemed so long. I never felt like writing a long-ass essay, you know? I really dreaded these kinds of exams, because of their long durating. Imagine having to do something that you don't want to do four hours. It's disillusioning and straining. 

Ok now thinking about it this might not be the best comparision, but I think you get what I mean, right? So even though I'm already crying at this point, I have to move on and I have to do the stuff my mind doesn't want me to do. I shouldn't give up on myself, even if it's hard not to. 

Trying to completely switch off my thoughts, I quickly open a drawer to get out my blowdryer, plug it in and switch it on in an instant. Because of the dry air, I immediately close my eyes. In moments like these I can escape from reality by imagining being on a high mountain while the wind directly blows into my face. But is imagining stuff like this really comforting or does it in fact make you even mor dissatisfied with reality after such a daydream or dream ends? I open my tired eyes again and continue to stare at the wall while blow-drying my hair. I shouldn't make it harder for me than it already is.

After my hair's finally only slightly damp, I pick out my dusty travelback and start throwing all my stuff into it. Seeing that I didn't even bother putting this bag in a shelf or at least putting it somewhere where I couldn't easily find it must say a lot about me. Seems like I've never really accepted this room as my home, even though I've constantly told myself that. Without any order I stuff my things into the bag not even caring the slightest bit over whether my clothes will get drapes or other things will get broken. I need to get out of this room before I break down again. Not surprisingly at all, by doing so, I've finished packing in less than five minutes.