-Home- [Kim Doyoung]

Chapter 1 - recurrence

Finally, it's that time of the year again: Semester break. It really has been one hell of a ride this semester so I need at least two weeks of only doing the bare minimum to recharge my energy. I'm not even kidding I really plan to do that. 

Since I've moved to Boston I've barely been able to keep up with the "being an adult" stuff. It feels like I've been going from attending lectures to revising and studying my university to to cleaning up after my mess to working my boring part-time job to writing papers at 2 A.M. for years now. I'm seriously exhausted. And I still have to study for at least 4 years hahhahahaahha 

At least I don't have any time to overthink because I'm so stressed out ✿◕ ‿ ◕✿

So now I'm here lying in my 10 square meter apartment, that I've been barely able to pay rent for, contemplating whether I should ever stand up again. I mean eventually I have to... I still got to work so. Ok no, I'm doing it again, complaining about everything when I should be thankful for at least having a job and an apartment. It's not that I got them by working beyond my capabilities. No, actually or better luckily, I got reunited with some Taeyong at my university and he told me about his part-time job and that they are in need of another worker and that's how I got in  (✿' ꒳ ' )

Without Taeyong I would be homeless right now oh thank god for sending me this angel. 

Anyways, it's 4 P.M., I've just woken up and I'm hUNGRY. And that means...I have to leave the house. Stu p i d me didn't buy any groceries since like 5 months so I only have one bottle of ketchup, an empty bottle of water and a still full pack of eggs but honestly I don't even remember buying them so I'm scared to open the pack as I'd maybe see things that I don't want to see if I do so.  

So there I go wearing a hoodie that I've been wearing for at least a week now and smelling like I haven't showered for one decade with 14 $ in my wallet. One could think that I'm ashamed of myself but honestly I'm so mentally dead I don't care about anything anymore. 

Ok, that's a lie. 

There's still one thing that I have to care about, which I'm so sick of caring about but I simply can't go without caring about it: The rain. I know, I'm an adult now, but yeah, I'm still a mess. Actually, I think since I've moved my condition got even worse, but that's not something I'd tell anyone. I really do like living on my own (even though it didn't really sound like I do just now) and I really do want to be independent from everything. However, I can't be independent from the weather. It does vex me but for now there really isn't anything I can do about it. A psychology major going to a psychologist - no, I do have a bit of self-respect and I don't want to lose this bit. 

I step out of the building consciously looking at the sky: zero clouds, gREAT ! So I don't need to eat air for dinner today. Amazing. 

After walking at leatst 20 minutes (yes, I basically live in a village inside of Boston where you can't do anything at all) I finally get to the next subway station and excitedly step into the train. It's time for my favourite activity again: Analyzing people! I wonder which kind of people will be on this train. It's 4 P.M. now, so for all the lucky people who already have a fulltime job it's not time to leave work yet. Therefore there should be other students like me or some school kids or elders who can finally enjoy their lives after working their a$$ off. Many different personalities! 

I sit down on an empty seat, take out my headphones and play some of my sappy music. Now I really do feel comfortable. I close my eyes to just enjoy this feeling of being moved without doing anything. When I have my eyes closed, it feels like I'm traveling in time or through space. It's really an amazing feeling. After not long I hear a muffled ring which makes my eyes shoot open again. I curiously watch new people get on the train. There's an old man dragging a big suitcase, an obviously annoyed mother with her child and a 20 something male who kind of looks like a delinquent, but a very trendy one. I wonder where he got his leather jacket from it does look as if it'd cost more than my apart- 

Wait. 

Wait. 

wAIT. 

That's him. That's the boy I've seen on the subway. How could I forget him. I'll forever remember this strange tension when we locked eyes. 

Today, he looks just as I remembered him. He's wearing a leather jacket combined with a skinny jeans and these vans that everybody seems to wear nowadays. You know, he's really good-looking I just hope he won't notice me as I look like a mess right now. Also, I wonder why he started crying once we made eye contact. I know I can't be the reason for his sudden emotional outburst, I mean I've never seen him before so how could that even be the case. But I still want to know why he cried. I'm naturally a very caring person and seeing these tears leaving his puppy-like eyes made me so soft I just want to hug and comfort him. 

So far I don't think he has noticed me. He's been staring at his phone since he entered the train. I wonder what he's looking at but nowadays everyone just stares at one's phone so I guess he's just like that. Then suddenly he starts to move towards me, still staring at his phone. He probaby still hasn't noticed me yet, if he had, then he would not be this careless about my presence. I mean I've just said that I don't think that I was the reason for his tears but I mean I know what I've felt when we looked directly at each others eyes. It felt strange in a way that I can't describe it with words. It kind of made me feel guilty. He looked as if he was wronged or treated badly and I can't help but think that I was the one that wronged me. OH GOSH NOW I'M OVERTHINKING AGAIN STOP. 

Just like this it somehow happened that we are sitting next to each other, him still staring at his phone. Istg why can't people just look at the world around them and not at their phones. And then the curious me couldn't contain herself and stole a glance at his phone. And I immediately regretted it. What I read wasn't really something I should have, really. He was texting some guy called "Johnny-hyung", however this surely wasn't just a conversation between two bros:

[Johnny-hyung]: Bro, I'm short on money send help hahaahah

[]:  Johnny-hyung, listen to this plan of mine I'm a genius hahaha. Tonight there's this event at Jaehyun's bar, right? Pay 1 get 5 or something, idk I don't drink lol. How about we get all those alcoholic bankers from that one bank you know which one I mean in there, get them drunk [if necessary we can also mix something in their drinks :))] and then we could threaten them to reveal some passwords ;) 

[Johnny-hyung]: Doyoung,  that does sound tempting but I don't wanna go to jail again. 

[]: Hyung, you know me. I've done stuff like that a Million times and I'm still a free man hahah. Also you know Jaehyun, he wouldn't let the cops into his pub ;) 

[Johnny-hyung]: Ok then, let's meet in the park. I still have a client there you know he needs his stuff lol. See ya there bro. 

[]: Haa these poor druggies. See ya 

What 

did 

I 

just 

read 

?