Letters to Lisa

August 12 2000

August 12 2000

Dear Lisa, 

Aloha. Comment ca-va? Eu sou cansado - sono restato su tutta la notte guardante i bambini. Okay, I think that's enough. I'll write in English now. Pretty creative though, huh? Haha. 

I'm starting to feel... cheated. By myself. Like I know what I'm doing is wrong yet it feels so right, and I can't stop. I need to know, to reassure myself, that a piece of you is still with me. Other people may think I'm crazy, but I honestly don't care. I'm not ready to open up yet, and neither are the children. I guess it'll just stay that way for a while, if you don't mind. Until then, I can just carry on as is. Unless your parents tell me enough is enough, and take me to some sort of mental ward. 

But I'm not crazy, or insane. Am I? No, not really. Just in my head - it's all in my head. But I do know for a fact that you're coming back, so at least that part of it's real. And I know that the kids miss you. I know that I miss you. I know that you were here at one point, and other people do too. At least that part is actually agreed upon with other people than myself. Then I know for sure that I haven't lost it. 

I am losing it without you though, aren't I? Well, you don't even have to answer that (not like you're going to), because I already know that I am. It seems like I know a lot of things lately, to be honest. I just don't know how much of it I'm willing to admit. To myself, to others. It's all just bottled up inside of me, and it always has been. 

Maybe that's why I paint. It's a creative way to express myself. You know what I've been painting lately? You. Your portrait. From what I can remember at least. I'm almost positive I remember every exact feature; from the faint, flower shaped freckle on your nose to the way your dark brown hair flows down your back. It seems as though the world knows who your are, from your face at least. I just may have made you famous, if you don't mind. 

I love you. Goodbye. 

Lots of love, 

Liam xoxo