It Will All Be Worth It

03. So EMPTY So ENSTRANGED.

A week had gone by after the revelation of the disease. The week which went frustrating full of tension, tears, concern, and care.

It was obvious that my mom will be having chemotherapy and radiation therapy, along with a lot of medicinal treatment. But, she had to go through a lot of basic and complex testings, a long list to go.

The doctor had suggested her to cut of the affected part, to reduce the chances of getting more infected parts.

This morning I am distracted by all this stuff as my  sister came to the room ready to leave for school.

"Morning, Blossom are you ready yet ?" She says.

"Umm yeah, baby girl just gives me two minutes, and I am out there," I speak forcing a fake smile.

So, she immediately leaves to get my youngest sister out of her room.

I was the eldest of all and referred to as Blossom by my siblings, Rebecca the middle one was nicked as Buttercup, and the sweet little Priscilla as bubbles.
I won't be wrong to say that we are huge Power Puff Girls Fan. While for my brother Daniel, Ashley from pokemon suited the best.

The walk to the school, with my sisters, was fine. Then I had to walk for a block, for my high school. I paced the whole block while thinking silently.

People at school usually didn't try to talk to me, they thought I live in my own world and I have so much of an attitude to talk to them by myself.

It wasn't like that, I just didn't feel like indulging because I had so many problems. Well, this time I was really so much lost. After I heard the news of my mother facing a maybe fatal cancer, I was so terrified. I couldn't read, write, eat, sleep.

For the first time in my life, I had skipped my classes. I wasn't just ready being in a state of utter shock. Also, for the first time I wasn't concerned about the lecture, or even concentrating on the words the teacher was telling.

Eventually, I was called to the teacher's room to speak to.

So here I am wasting my lunch break, outside the teacher's room, just to be called in.

As soon as I am permitted to enter, my teacher speaks to me.

"Brianna, You are such a brilliant student, there is no doubt to that, but I have never seen you like this. You seem to be so drained off and worked out. What has happened to you? I am really worried about you and your progress. " She tried to communicate.

"Miss. Roberts, I know you appreciate my efforts a lot, but these days I am just not into anything. I am dull and a nill. I don't know how to overcome." I speak, more of it was just a whisper.

"We teacher's are also the counselors of the children we are teaching to, that's in the procedure of learning. You may share whatever is bothering you. I might help maybe. If nothing else, maybe at least speaking and opening up to someone will get some of the load off."

"I.. I... Cannnnnt... I just.. " I speak as tears start falling from my eyes.
I really want to speak out.
"My mother is been Diagnosed with cancer, and I don't want to lose her."

"I am so sorry to hear that. " She speaks as she tries to calm me down.

"But, in my heart I know you are a brave girl Briana, and what's best at this time is this that you support your mother. You are a helping hand to her, in her recovery. She'll be going through a lot, from the checkups to the treatments. You can help her be steadier, stronger and brave throughout the procedures. You will have to be brave enough for the sake of your siblings, my dear." She assured me.

"I really hope you get through it, ask me anything, I'll be here for you. Your Finals are just about in a month, do make time for that too. Your future depends on that." She speaks.

"Okay. I mean thanks for all this. I really needed to have a talk to someone." I thanked her and told her goodbye.

As soon as I was out from the School premises, I put my earphones on, for a little distraction.

I play.

LET IT BE ME- RAY LAMONTAGNE

Guitar vibrates and things...

There comes a time
A time in everyone's life
Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
There may come a time
You just can't seem to find your place
And for every door, you open
Seems like you get two slammed in your face.

Listening to it, I think about when will I be seeing a good change in my life, until when this life will get worst. When will be the time, I will see a change in life where I will only be joyful.

Again lost in my thoughts. I review the matters I really want to talk about as a lot of stuff is in my mind but that won't come out of me whenever I try to speak out. It feels like its just revolving in my mind. And it makes me feel so down.

Its times when you are just so stressed up or may be fed up with life.
Even with the smallest of the stuff that you can be tired of..... times when are so desperate of changes and changes aren't really happening and you cannot even find a single way to get forward. So at least you have the smallest of the feeling that you are going somewhere better to go.

You try and try and all goes in vain. I have always heard that if one door closes another happens to open sooner. Huh.
Well, that's how I always motivate myself.

I remember the dialogue from Blade Runner that

"All those moments of despair will be lost in time... like tears in rain."

Maybe my emptiness will vanish sometime sooner. MAYBE.

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