It Will All Be Worth It

02. Falling Apart

Last night after that dream I was sleepless due to the bursting thoughts of my nostalgia, yeah, I think a lot and by a lot, I mean tons of A LOT. I have been having this dream, even before my mom had been diagnosed with cancer.

I still cannot forget the day, when I woke up to the heavy sobs, I felt I am hearing in my half-sleep. I usually observed that I can put myself easily in a state of threshold consciousness. Having a look,  throughout the room, I noticed my mom was sitting on the side couch in my room. Seeing her there my heart nearly sank.

She had gone to the doctor for her checkup. She was having unusual symptoms of I don't know what.

Her breast had started swelling a month before. Also, she felt a lump of hard cells inside the breast flesh. She was so worried about this abnormal swelling. The doctor's appointment got late because we were all busy at my uncle's wedding.

My father had always been careless when it was about us especially my mom, but this time he was trying not to waste any time for the tests and all that.

My mother had been in an abusive and really torturing relationship with my Father. She said she was facing all this just for our sake. I literally didn't want her to mentally and physically suffer for us. I was mature enough to keep up on my own. But yeah I had siblings too. If it was for my father, she thought he can never ever handle us alone.

I loved her a lot. I cannot see her in pain and suffering. After there marriage, and after I was born and was old enough to know the surroundings. I had seen my mother face this torture. I had seen her crying and screaming to death. He didn't even support her morally or by love. She deserved to be loved, to be taken care of, but never got anything.

I loved my father, but also I hated his anger and his abusive behavior and brutality. I hated him for doing this to my mother, for ill-treating her. She was always with scrapes and bruises, a sore head, and tearing eyes. Although she had learned to hide the bruises and he was good at not leaving them where they could be seen. To me, he was slowly killing her inside.
Besides this violence, he would push her, throw things at her, call her names, also humiliated her in front of friends. These episodes would often be followed by him apologizing and my simple-hearted mom would always forgive him or else she felt like she didn't have any strength to move on.

SHE LOVED HIM.

...

...

...

I stood up all of a sudden, and came to her, holding her hands I gave her a side hug. I used to do this whenever I see her crying. I needed to give her the comfort she needs at that very moment.
I tried to speak to her. I still remember as I said,

"Mom? Are you okay ?" I asked not pushing her about this.

SILENCE.

"Sweet momma? Did dad again do something to you? " I questioned worriedly.

I was like a friend to her whenever she was on the verge of crying or was hurt badly inside or outside.
She thought I understand her.

Though sometimes I didn't, I had to show her that I am mature enough to console her. She needed that always.
Besides, she was also my best friend! And she always shared whatever was filled in her heart.

Her silence had built up a sense of tension. Tears were at the end of my eyes because I knew there isn't anything good coming. But I had to be strong.

"Mama, please? Speak to me? I am really worried! " I told her.

She gave me a look full of sadness, tears, hurt, and PAIN.

I questioned her with my eyes as I try to get it out from her.

"You had an appointment with the doctor. Did everything go well? "

She moved her head as a NO.

"What did they say? " I question.

"I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER." She said.

This was not expected. It really took me off guard, I never saw that coming.

"Why me?" She said, being filled with self-pity.

She had quickly moved into a state of depression.
S

eeing this I had rushedto her room and bring her the stress tabs she has been taking for years. I sat beside her, holding her, and keep watching her as she gets lost in her feared thoughts.
And there I was falling apart.

My life had never been so much easier for me. Seeing my mother living with an excessive angry person, was so tough, maybe tougher than the word TOUGH itself. She was always hurt, and if we tried to stop that we would also be prey to his fury, so we never indulged.

Though, that made us afraid of our own dad. Sometimes he would also shout at us or hurt us, but mom came in between to save us from that outburst.

People surrounding me like my teachers, project partners, classmates, always to ask me Why I am always silent? Why do I don't share, if I have any issues? But can we share with no friends, well I don't think so? And Also I was so ashamed to even talk about this hidden face of my life.

As for me, I don't exaggerate scenarios. But also when could have I done that?
I didn't have any friends. No one except my mother and siblings to talk to.

Yes, we never socialize. My dad won't let us do it. No friends. No gatherings. No fun. No social networks. NOTHING. It had made us all lose even the minor adventures of life. And he won't let us know why!

THERE WERE A LOT OF RESTRICTIONS FOR US TO LIVE IN OUR OWN HOUSE.

My mother wasn't allowed to go shopping for herself.
She wasn't allowed to talk to her parents. She wasn't allowed to work.
Well, she wasn't allowed to live life and was not able to experience any pleasure from life in her desirable way.
She was always willing to live a life without joy for the sake of her kids.
But if you aren't allowed to live life, you gradually start to die.

She was always stressed, anxious, and depressed. That led to many complications in her life. She had blood pressure, panicked attacks, and moreover depression.

I knew that.
BUT I never thought this all will gather up as a CANCER in her body.

As a medical student, in high school, I at least understand what she might be facing, as soon as she being at less mental strength getting to know this unexpected cancer. It would have broken her inside.

Tumors are horrible to think about, and worst to face by yourself. It takes a lot to fight for life throughout the recovery.
This is not a disease where you can just say to the doctor, 'fix me'.  It's very important that you look after not only the physical aspect of this disease but the mental too.

Furthermore, mental health might affect the recovery from cancer.
Also "Staying positive is the best way to fight the disease". But that needs the motivation to live on your life.

If you are empowered in yourself and take care of yourself as a whole person, your chances of recovery get high.
You need moral and mental support for yourself and your loved ones.

She had me, she had the kids for the love she needed. But she didn't have her husband.

SHE WAS THE ONE FALLING APART, MOST OF ALL.
I FELT FOR HER.

-----------------------------------------

DO VOTE IF YOU ARE ENJOYING IT. ALSO, HONEST COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

---------------------------------------