It Will All Be Worth It

06: A heart to heart talk.

As soon as I open the laptop screen, I realize that I must ask my mother first. She won't mind it, but still.

So, I quickly glance at the wall clock, hanging on the left side of the room, surrounding by the dream catcher, stretched to most of the wall. I made it myself as a source of distraction- the results were satisfactory-even more than that as I love it for now. It has been my favorite thing in the room, from the day I made it.

It's about 8 O'clock, in the evening. Mother won't have gone to bed yet.

I knock her room, as a sign of my entrance.

"Mom, I needed to ask you something?" I grabbed her attention as she looks at me through the glasses she wears while reading. She is reading a book by a gospel writer, as I guess by the cover.

"Ehm, I might say that I know, what you are going to ask for?" She smirks.

"Huh, aunt Ciana, why doesn't she includes you when she says 'she'll keep the secret'." My mom laughs a little at my sudden irritation.

"Maybe because nothing can remain a secret from a mother." She says.

"It really wasn't like I was going to keep it a secret from you," I speak as I sit beside her.

" I know sweetheart, well I just need to tell you that just be careful with everything you do with your life," she tells me, as she closes her book, putting it at the side table.

"I have no problem at all if you promise that this will not be affecting your study." She continues.

Again, concern. I believe every mother in this world is like her. Or just mine one. Extra caring- extra concerned.

"Why will it be, I just completed high school. It's a months' break now. And nothing can overcome my love for books. Okay?" I assure her as I place her hand in mine.

She nods in assurance and smiles to me. As I move to sit beside her, resting my back to the headboard, and placing my head at her shoulder.

"Mom, what do think about love?" I ask.

She gives me a questioning look. So I describe my question.

"You know that I've always said ' I won't marry, I won't fall in love', but the other side me also believes that just everyone cannot be like my dad right?" I try to read her face as I speak.

" Sweetheart, it was the most beautiful thing I experienced, before all of a sudden your father changed. He wasn't such a bad person until he married, and we started living with his parents. His mother, I've always respected her she was my mothers' age, but also she was a whole opposite of my mother. She tried her very best to make her son, pressurize me for anything- everything. She plotted like a witch along with her daughter. At that time, I wasn't so sharp to just get what they were actually doing to our new family. " She spoke, lost in her thoughts.

"I remember that mama, I know you very well, and them too," I said.

"Yeah, I know you do. I was just telling you again to remind that everyone is not like your maternal grandma or your dad," she said.

Why didn't I get this before, people like my mother also exist, who raise their sons high enough to respect a woman.

"Well, this is like, I will have to inspect the family of my future husband-to-be. So that I am confirmed, he is raised with higher values." I laugh at the spoken thought, which was merely a whisper.

"I heard it. It's good to find a little humor in almost everything." She speaks smiling at my choice of words.

"Woman, around the world, would want a man with money, fame, power or anything worldly, but most all she dwells for love. The moments she is admired, treated well, be it real or for a trap she falls for him without even a second thought."

"I don't really want a guy with money, fame something that just vanishes with time. I want someone, who has all his heart for me. The person whom I will declare my one and only. I won't switch relationships every now then. I'll choose wisely." I tell her my inner thoughts.

"You know my dear, you have always made me feel proud. And now your thoughts just overwhelm me. You are so much mature for your age." She speaks as she kisses my forehead. "I love you, always make me proud like this, even if I am here with you not".

I flinch. She didn't have to say that. It triggers my tears.

"Mom, why do you always speak of getting away, you won't be away, okay? You'll be here. Always and forever with us. I love you, and I cannot afford to lose you. Please never use these kinda words again. Please." I sigh as I end what felt like speech.

"Okay, okay stop lecturing. Everything will happen for a reason. It's just that you need to take care of stuff when I won't be here for you." She said.

"I have to go, I don't want to listen any of it, please. I cannot handle it. I am not THAT strong." I tell her, as I move up from the bed and her cheek.

"Good night mama, it's late enough. So take rest."

I drag myself out of her room half-heartedly. I just hate the thought of losing her.

Even the thought of losing her made me lost. I will not be anything without her. I will be nothing.