It Will All Be Worth It

04. Hole in the heart

Days passed, so did Mama's treatment, as her tests had got positive, for further treatment. Though, I wasn't allowed to go to her chemotherapy sessions. (They say this might hurt people who aren't concerned with the disease). But, Dad was with her throughout these procedures. All he didn't know was she also needed him morally and emotionally. He had been acting nicely these days. Maybe this is the moment of change we had waited for so long.

She has only started getting much sicker, maybe because of the side effect. But, her not recovering is heartbreaking. I cannot handle myself looking at her. After her sickness, all my positivity has also vanished. She is kind of my knight in the shining armor. My strength, My love, My Everything. It's so selfish of me to hide from her when she needs me the most.

My routine has become so unusual, I wake up, get ready, go to the school, do not study, or maybe try to study, come home, think, think, and think about her suffering. And make myself lost in books as an escape, that's all life has been after her disease.
But what I worry about the most is that I can not lose her. I just cannot.

She has to love life, I wanted to make it better for her as soon as I grow up, be someone she can be proud of. I will not be anyone without her. She is my motivation, my support. All I want to see a lingering smile in her face.

She is draining all her strength to this cancer and I cannot do anything but cry.

...

...

...

As I came, from school today I directly went to have a look at my mom.
She was sitting at her bed, face wrapped in her hands, her fingers putting the energy to rub her temples.

This sight of her. I have never seen her in this much pain.

Hiding the tears in my eyes, I throw my bag to the side as I rush to her. I quickly held her hands in mine.

"Mama, what is it? I am here now, okay? " I speak as I get her in a hug. "Please, do not panic, I am here." I made her lie in the bed. As I started massaging her head and her shoulder right away, out of concern.

"Take rest please, my dear, I am fine, it's just the headache. It will go away by itself," she said.

I was so out of place hearing this, tears filled my eyes, but I tried not to show her.

"Mama, I love you, and won't go until you fall asleep, turn around to the side so I can massage your body too," I say as I make her turn around. Why is she always so caring and so concerned to me? I think to myself.

"All I need is you to rest and sleep," I tell her as I put a kiss on her forehead.

Later, I was in my room studying when she came to me.

"Yes mama, you alright," I asked.

"Sweetheart, I knew you would be studying, I just came to see If you are studying well or not."

"Well, now you can see it all by yourself," I tell her as I point round about the room to grab her attention towards the books and pens all scattered over the bed, some on the floor too. She knew I always studied like that.

She smiled. "Should I make you some tea? Or maybe something to eat?"

"No mama, You really don't worry about that okay? I will eat something if I get an appetite."

"No, just come to tell me if you need anything, okay!" she said.

"Okay."

I smile at the thought of all the love and concern my mom always showed.

I was lost in my books again, that I got a knock on the door.

Well, who else it can be.

"Mama, why are you not sleeping? It's my exam tomorrow, and you know my habit of studying late night, that's usual for me. So please sleep, mama. You need it."

"Oh kid, just leave it, and yes don't you tell me dear what you are, you are my baby and I know you well enough."

I just give her a playful look, as she smiles to me as an answer.

"You didn't come to ask for anything, so I had to come by myself. Do you need anything now?"

"Mama!" I exclaimed in a state of shock. How can she be like this always? A flawless mother.

"Sit, Sweetheart I'll massage your head, I know you need it in the middle of your night studies."

"Mama, You won't stop being concerned. Right?"

I kiss her goodnight, as I walk with her to her room. I sit beside her as I try to make her fall asleep.

This woman is my need. She is the one thing I can ask for. She has a place in my heart, no one can replace, and if she leaves there will be a hole in my heart. I don't know about the pain, but it's confirmed that the gap cannot be filled with anyone else but her.

I look at her, as I silently pray in my heart, moving my lips to the words I am thinking.

"Dear Lord, please take anything-everything, just please save my mom. I can't see her anymore in this state if pain. She feels like dying. I don't want her to. Make a way. Please. God. Please. "

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