lemon boy

➸ why don't you love me

I DON'T understand what went wrong, i don't think i'll ever understand what i did wrong. i sat in my room crying for days, because one day you were happy, i was happy, we were happy. and the next? it was like i didn't even exist to you. i guess that's how these things work though, right? you let me fall in love, you show me things i never thought i'd see, then you leave. like i was nothing.

i loved you. i would've given you everything. hell, i was giving you everything. everything i could. god, you made me so fucking happy, tj. i don't know, with you, i just felt free. like things were finally gonna be okay for me. but i guess they aren't. it's okay. i can get over it, i mean, i can't make you love me the way that i love you.

but it does suck. some days it hits me harder than others, like the other day i was laying on my bed and it just hit me like a truck. everything came crashing down onto me at once. i couldn't get the memories out of my head, they just kept replaying over and over again. times when you kiss me, when you'd do it so unexpectedly. those were my favorite because they always made you smile. fuck, i loved your smile. i don't think anyone will ever love it as much as i did.

and i've come to realize, that's it's okay to hurt. it's okay to feel the things i'm feeling, i mean i was— am in love with you. but maybe one day, someone won't hurt me the way you did. maybe they'll love me like i loved you. i can only hope that i can return the love because i know the feeling all too well for me to not.

i know that you see me. in school. at the movies. everywhere. i know that i smile. i know that i laugh. but it's all fake, because you know, fake it till you make it, right? if i put on this fake smile, maybe one day it won't be fake anymore. one day you'll just be apart of my past.

but that can't happen yet. because here i am, trying to erase you from my life. trying to move on. and then you look at me like that. with those longing eyes, the way you'd look at me before you kissed me. or when we argued that one time, and you cried. you looked at me like that a few days ago and now it's in my head. you're in my head. again. what did it even mean? why do you do this to me? haven't you done enough?

then yesterday. for fucks sake, yesterday was probably the worst day ever in a long time. i just wanted to perform, i just wanted to me and my friends to have a good time. but of course i sang the song i wrote about you. and of course you were there. in the back of the room, behind the crowd. your hands were in your pockets, and you were just leaning on the doorway. you didn't think i saw you. but i did. why were you there? why'd you listen to that song? you knew it was about you, i could tell by your face. god, i could always read your face.

"things get better." walker said to me, but i didn't listen. because i know. i know that things will eventually get better. and i know that it won't be anytime soon. because i'm broken. you broke me, tj. and i'm okay with it. doesn't mean that i'm not hurting.

get this, i still want you. after all the heartbreak, all the lies. i still want you. i still think about why i wasn't enough for you. why what we had wasn't enough. i should've seen it coming though, you don't date. you don't fall in love. but it felt like it. it felt like love.

you told me that i was the first one you ever let in. so i knew you better than anyone else. and then all of a sudden, you pushed me away. it was slow. so fucking slow that i didn't even see it coming. of course i didn't see it coming though, i was too far in. too deep to see past the lie.

i told myself for the longest time that you'd come back. that you were really in love with me. so i waited. i waited so long.

but i get it now. why i waited so long. my heart was broken, completely torn into shreds. and it's all i knew how to do without you. did you see that? how i was so dependent on you? how i needed you there to be myself?

it's crazy, how well you acted all those months. you were so supportive of everything i did. my music especially. you loved it. i would make you mixtapes and we'd just sit there and listen to them, all the time. you had a special place for them in your room so no one else could listen to them but us.

"sometimes you have to lose yourself before you find yourself." my mom told me. and back then i didn't get it. but i do now. because i was lost. so lost without you, theo, can i still call you that? anyways, i'm in the middle of finding myself again. after everything i been through, how i lost myself because of you, i'm finally finding me again.

i hated myself for how much i still wanted— want— you. how you left me, and i couldn't leave you. can't leave you. how did you even do that? make me fall in love so fucking fast, like i really loved you.

you know, you held my hand the whole time. everyday, every second. your hand was always holding mine, no matter where we were. up until the very last minute of us. i remember you giving it one last squeeze before letting go, and as soon as they unlatched, i knew something was wrong. you left me the minute your hand left mine.

"someday somebody will love you, the way that you deserve to be loved." thats the fucking bullshit you told me before you took off. what even was that? were you saying i deserved better than you? because i didn't want better than you, teej. i just wanted you, you and everything you came with.

sometimes i see you in hallways with cyrus. i don't if anything is going on between you two, though. i try not to pay attention. i try to look the other way.

maybe things were better off this way, us separating. maybe it's better for the both of us. so next time i see you, i'll turn, and i'll walk the other way. and i won't look back this time. because my heart is broken, and that's all i know how to do. it's the only way to fully get over you. i have to let you go.

so, i hope one day you'll be happy. maybe with cyrus. maybe with some other lucky guy who gets you in the future. i hope i'll be happy too.

why did you put me through this?
why don't you love me?

i can't do this.

authors note !
so this story kind of correlates with the song, up until the end where it's all over the place. also the title and the last sentence is actually apart of the song, so it's not just something random i decided to name it.