All F'd Up

Ghost

     Is everybody really real? Have you ever felt like you're just invisible to everyone? Like you could go into a store and walk out with a bunch of stuff and not even get noticed. Like you could end your life in school and nobody would bat an eye? Because I do. I can sit in the hallway looking down with my hands on my head. Even though I am surrounded by a bunch of people that call themselves my friends, not one of them asks if I am ok or even says hi.

      That is why I ask myself, "Am I even real? Do I really exist? What is the point of living if I'm doing nothing to better anybody's life?". Am I nothing but a ghost to all of my peers and to the adults around me? Who am I, no WHAT am I. Am I a friend, am I an enemy, am I a ghost, am I dead? Questions of pain flood my brain and control my life. They take control of my body like i'm just a puppet and my thoughts are the puppet master.

      Who would have thought that something with no physical body could control a person like a toy. Who would have thought that the little toy cars I play with and myself are so similar? Just like the little Nissan 240sx Night Burners car that I drift around I am pushed and pulled sideways always switching directions. Much like the Lamborghini Sesto Elemento track car I am pushed to my limits almost to my breaking point.

      Maybe comparing myself to cars doesn't really make sense to a lot of people but that is the best I have right now. It's so bad now. Everything that could possibly be somewhat good is turning for the worst and hurting me more and more. Each day my pit of despair is growing deeper and deeper as I drag myself through each miserable day.

      The same night mare over and over, however each time I feel less and less emotion. I don't shoot up anymore in the middle of the night. I don't wake up in a cold sweat or crying anymore. Now I just wake up slowly rising up to sit on the end of my bed, THEN I cry, because the nightmare was only a dream. A dream of the sweet release of flying through the sky as trees and canyons fly past me until I reach the ground and then wake up in my bed. 

      It's kinda funny in a way, before I die I see the beautiful sky and a sunrise, with beautiful trees and amazing sights passing me, until I reach the dull, damp, dirty ground. The ground may not be as amazing to see as the sunrises and trees, but it is still very beautiful. The soft, dampness of the dirt, and the leaves and grass with fresh morning dew lightly coating every inch. 

      That would be the place I would want to escape to. Be there forever and never leave. That to me is paradise. Now only if it was real and I could actually be in a place like that. It would be absolutely wonderful.