All F'd Up

Scrambled

      My thoughts are lost and twisted. Tangled to the point of no return. Its in a knot that would take years of attention to untangle. We are so close and yet we are at the same time so far. I love her cant she see? And yet she still loves him, the guy who hurts her and makes her think she isn't worth it. She stays because of one or two relieving things hes said on-top of a mountain of hurt and lies. 

      I guess I just don't understand it. I don't understand why she would love a guy who hurts her. How is she ok with the cheating all of the other things hes done. She talked about how she cut herself and how she overdosed and it killed me. Why cant I be the one she loves? Why cant I hold her close and be her pillow and blanket in her cold dark times.

      I've started to date this girl to try to get her off of my mind but it isn't working. I can't bare to see her in the pain shes in. Yet she drags the pain wherever she goes like a prison, then she acts like nothing is wrong.

      Inside of me I'm screaming for help but on the outside I don't know how to ask for it. I cut myself and I scratch my skin to the point of bleeding. I pull my hair and I cry till I get migraines and start to get nauseous, and then eventually Ill blackout and fall to the floor. At school I act all fine. I feel like a lost hope at this point. Sometimes I think the doctor was right, Maybe I am mentally ill, am I really Insane?  That's what the doctor said so.... I guess I am.