All F'd Up

Maybe

      Maybe it will disappear in the future, or maybe the pain will continue to grow. Maybe I can run from the past and reach the future, maybe i'll trip and be consumed by it. Maybe one day I will have the courage to break out of my thick shell, maybe i'll try and not get through.

      Each and everyday is a new struggle being thrown at me. I'm not writing these to gain sympathy from anyone, I write these to get the pain off of me, even if it's just for a brief moment. Some days I want to run away and hide, other days I come to school, see her, and I feel a little more confident than I was just a moment before.

      We have had so much history together that it's hard to not want to be with her. It's hard not to want to keep her safe. It's especially hard to talk to her and be open with her when you get nervous just seeing her and making eye contact with her. Some times I wish that I was a different person, then maybe she would see me differently.

      You see, little things like glances and smiles, or smirks don't mean much to other people. However, when people talk to me and aren't saying how emo, or gay I look, and are actually nice to me, it means so much more. That little eye to eye glance to you means almost nothing, but to me it shows that that person cares enough to even look at me. Someone just simply saying "hey" makes my heart beat faster. If I can make someone smile or laugh, I can't help but smile as well because I mad them feel a little better.

      Small interactions such as that makes me feel so good about myself and it helps me to be more open to people and helps to get me talking more. Having friends is really rare to me due to the fact that I change myself to fit in with other people. I try my hardest to do what they do or say what they say because I want to have friends like they do. Doing this leads to "friendships" that do nothing but hurt me and break me down further.

Maybe one day I will learn to be happy once more... maybe