All F'd Up

Back to the Start

      It's happening again. I'm not surprised though it happens every time her and I get relatively close to each other. We always break away from each other, for example a few years ago her and I cuddled on the couch in my grandmother basement on new years  and then we drifted apart. next time is when her and I texted and called. Her and I talked and talked for a while then it's as if she disappeared and vanished.

      Now her and I are growing apart again but for some reason this time feels more painful and I don't know why. I think that it's because I like her so much that I don't want to keep going on like this. Her and I have so much history together yet so little time together in person. She has the ability to take my heart and play with it without even knowing it. I know that it sounds like I'm just super jealous and that I maybe like her a little to much. I like her so much because she has saved my life and helped me through my darkest times.

      When I say that she saved my life I mean she has literally saved me from killing myself multiple times. I tasted my blood and she took that taste out of my mouth. She is the actual reason I get to write these stories and laugh with her and see her everyday. Actually I don't like her. I lust for her, I strive for her to me with me. If she's reading this then.....I LOVE YOU!!!

      This might sound weird but.... I think about hugging her and tasting her lips. I dream about being hers and making songs with her. I just wish that her and I could be together. I dream about bringing her home and introducing her to my parents and my dogs and cat then laying on the couch together. I dream about her beautiful golden hair in my face as she lays on my chest and I rub my fingers on her head. These are all just dreams though... they'll never come true so all I can do is look at her and think about everything I just mentioned....... Nothing but hopeless dreams that will never happen.