All F'd Up

Circles

      I feel like I have been in this same spot before. I'm talking to Cambrie, Ava is kinda talking to me again (which is awesome <3), and I feel like I once again have true friends. Friends that won't leave or turn on me like before. I feel like i'm happy again. It's hard to believe but once upon a time I was.

      (Here is where the depressing shit comes into play so get ready). 

      I just hope that they are real friends this time. The feeling of loneliness has never struck me that hard before. It's to the point where I stare blankly at a wall for hours not moving or thinking. Just a empty shell without a point of existing. Like a statue, I'm there to be looked at and talked about. Never spoken to, never cared for. I stand there lifeless, deteriorating, broken and falling apart.

(ok time to rant about the thing that bother me even though they'll probably bite me in the ass later)

      There's this girl named Ava that I really like, and have liked for years now and she knows that I like her (I think). Her and I were super close so many different times. It was weird though. Sometimes she would act like she cared, sometimes she just gave me glances, but most of the time she just ignores me. The thing is that when we actually talk to each other I feel so happy and I can just tell her everything. In fact I do tell her everything.

      The things I don't tell her are how jealous I am. See there's this guys that's in 8th grade that she is dating again (we're sophomores). From what I've heard and what she told me this guy is an asshole. Apparently he cheated on her multiple times and he treats her like shit. Those are things I've heard so i'm not going to believe them unless she tells me personally, like the cheating.

      I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'll just end this one here before I get to deep into my thoughts. And if you read this Ava I'm so sorry that I haven't told you that before.... I guess I was scared to talk to the most beautiful girl in the school, and cause you're so popular. I guess I didn't want to make you look weird in front of your friends. Maybe that's why we only talk over text and notes. And maybe why we are only close to each other in real life when its just us or when its by my family that doesn't snitch. Anyways thanks I guess for keeping me alive...... way to many times.