salty tears

one.

january 10th | 9:36 pm

I think my heart has been broken for the seventh time today.

Except it was by a different person this time. I didn't expect it. I was so stupidly blinded by his charms. The way he let people speak before he did. I really liked that. And he also did this cute thing with his hands whenever he got nervous. It only happened whenever the teacher called on him, or we had to present a project in front of the class. I remember this one time where he stuttered but it was adorable. He was adorable. He couldn't speak right, almost as if his knowledge of English had just left him.

I never wanted to like him, really. I genuinely thought we didn't have a chance. I felt as if he had better choices in the world so I ignored him for a bit. I ignored him for about a month or two before I started speaking to him again. I couldn't help it. If being in love with him wasn't a choice then I'd just keep the friendship. It couldn't hurt. That's what I believed.

I never expected him to be the one to strike a conversation regarding love. Never. But he did today. Now, I'm heartbroken. Felt as if a robber holding a gun to you decided not to shoot you because you weren't worth a bullet. 

Even though it meant I wouldn't get hurt in the future, it still made me feel some hurt now because I just wasn't worth it.

He said that things between us could never work out, we just had drastic personalities that wouldn't mesh together well. He said it in a jokingly manner, but behind all the jokes and laughs there was a hint of truth. He didn't want to be with me and I wouldn't kill myself over it but it still hurt. He definitely didn't use a gun but instead, he took out that metaphorical knife and wounded me a bit.

Pathetic is what I feel. 

Even thinking about friendship, I had hope for us. A small glimmer of hope. This was a new type of ache. I've never felt it before and now I'm clueless as to how to deal with the feelings that come along with it. I only managed to let out a small laugh and agree with him. It was the safest decision by far. After a bit of analyzing, I've come up to the conclusion that this shouldn't hurt as much as it does. I already feel the tears on my cheek.

I didn't even like him that much, what was I crying about?

Was it only him or was it one of those other reasons of why my heart is broken?

The sky was an ugly color today, just like me and my way of dealing with emotions. Not pretty. I was counting on the sky to cheer my mood but it let me down. But hey, at least I'm not the disappointment, it's something else. For once. Disappointment sucks, no wonder people hate me for it. It's the lame specialty I bring to the table. Obviously, no one would be happy about it. I'm not sorry though.

That's it for today. Another sad day went by and I dealt with it like always. Only thing I wish for in life: to never be heartbroken again. It's dreadful.