salty tears

ten.

january 20th | 5:46 am

I wonder what death feels like.

Is it painful or is it a new peace that you've always longed for?

The world should be filled with love. That's what I imagined the world was to be in the first place but reality took me aside and drove me off a cliff.

I wonder if the deaths of certain people could be stopped if they found that person that cares and loves them. I wonder if they'd stop walking towards the edge once they heard that special person's voice. I want to imagine that they would turn around and give them a hug. Their special person would be there comforting them and stroking their hair softly and saying sweet things about them. How nice that would be. 

I've gotten a few calls and texts from friends. They're worried about me. Or maybe they're just curious about my absence and just want to know why I'm not there. Some people are like that. You think they care and then you realize they didn't care for you that much, they just are curious cats looking for answers. 

Olly left. He had a job to get to and more absences would only hurt him. I understood that. I wished he stayed though, it's selfish of me but I wish he'd stayed. 

That's life for you. People come and go and when they go it hurts to say goodbye because what if you don't see them again? Or worse, what if they aren't the same person? What if they change for the worst? I don't want Olly to change and I'm scared that the world will make him change.

I've never felt so useless in my life like I do now. There's no one for me to talk to. No one would speak to me at this hour, it's too early. I feel like another human walking among others who succeed and find their purpose. I'm trapped in this bubble of sadness. A cloud of guilt watches over me making sure I never see the sunshine. Whenever I'm with my friends I feel like an actor. I'm playing all these different roles that they like to see. I can't show them the sensitive girl who cries alone. They don't care for her. 

Not many people care for the sad girl in the corner.

Not even her mom. Maybe her dad, but only if he noticed might he care. I don't think I truly understand how little I see my father. He's home most of the time once I'm back from school but we don't go beyond much other than a small wave. He's been home more often and thinking about it now, I think he may have been laid off. Is that why he's starting to pick up my mother's habits?

The empty glass bottles have been piling up lately. I don't want another drunken parent to live with. I don't. Please, I don't want a drunken father to deal with. A drunken mother is hard enough to deal with on my own but a mother and father who drink? That's too much for me. 

There's another scenario in my head playing: it's one where I find both parents dead on the floor with half-filled bottles of liquor in their hands. That's terrifying to imagine but I can't stop thinking about it. What if I did come home from school and found them both like that? What would happen next? I think I would cry. I know for sure I would cry because I didn't say goodbye to my father. 

I remember this nice memory with him where he took me to see this awful movie. The movie was bad but we kept laughing at our own jokes all throughout. It shouldn't have bothered many people, I think there were only two other families there. It's a nice memory to look back on. It'd be the type of memory to bring happiness because of extra effort your father made to see you smile. I did smile. He was once that father. 

I wondered how many days of school I missed so far.

It was a rarity for me to miss school, I'm surprised my father hasn't commented on it. I wish he did. 

It's early in the morning, I need to sleep. I barely slept three hours and there was no possible way for me to function on just three hours of sleep.

something I wish for: for alcohol to disappear one day.