salty tears

seven.

january 16th | 1:04 am

The whole family is together today.

Perfect time too. It's right after my mother came home sober, my father arrived sleep deprived, and the day after my brothers were in a fight. It astounds me at how dysfunctional my family is at times.

Olly threatened to call the police on everyone for having marijuana on them but only after he got to punch the guy in the lime shirt. I stood by to watch it all unfold. Olly was drastically different from himself whenever he was mad. Sometimes it's hard to recognize him as my brother whenever he fights because he's so aggressive and merciless with his opponent. I was expecting him to punch the man, it wasn't a surprise. Once everyone left, I figured he would have spoken to Cody and told him about the situation. That's what I thought he would do. Cody got to know what happened but not in the most favorable circumstances.

It started with a slap. A cold mean slap from Olly. It was so hard that it silenced the entire neighborhood. It startled me and Cody. I saw how red Cody's face was started to get and I felt terrible for him. I saw Olly's face and I felt like wanting to stop him from fighting. Olly had lectured him and called him every insult you could think of. Cody was obviously still trying to understand everything including that slap. Mid-lecture, Cody had full on punched Olly but Olly was pushed over his limit at this point. One punch became two, two became three, and then three became a series of unstoppable punches. Olly wasn't Olly then. He was a mirror of our mother and her drunken rage. He didn't have to be drunk to be like her though, he just had to be mad.

Was it so wrong to have wished for death then? I wanted to die as I saw them beat each other up, I truly did.

My father had then come home, he looked dead. His whole appearance was a mess. Behind him was my mother. She wasn't drunk though. It was a strange sight to see a sober mother at the door. Sober she was but not right in the head. It wasn't even her that made the family a mess. Everyone did their part to make it the way it is. 

I wonder what families do for fun. What games do they play? What jokes do they tell? I'll never get to experience it but I would still like to know. In my life, that's all I want to know. What a good family looks like.

Everyone is distant today. We're all together but we're really not. Our parents sleep in different rooms for the night. The tension between the brothers is yet to be resolved. And a strain has been put between a brother and sister. Cody didn't believe Olly. Cody didn't believe in me.

He thought I was a liar.

That I was an "attention seeking whore".

There goes all my faith in my beloved brother. No more secrets will be shared between us anymore. It's not going to be the same. It hurts so much. I really wanted to believe it was a show he put on but it's not and I loathe him for it. Once he told Olly that, I looked at him with disappointment. What else could I look at him with? I left and went to my room after that. 

Crying is annoying but I can't stop it. Everything bad is just played on repeat and Cody's words are constantly in my head. The worst part of it is that he's saying it because he believes it. 

I'm going to bed now, I know I won't be at school today. I know it and I'm fine with it. The page is wet with tears, I didn't even notice it. It gives me a small smile somehow.

Something that I wish for: to have not seen my brothers fight, ever.