salty tears

twelve.

January 22nd | 11:34 pm

I don't want to speak to Cody ever again in my life. He's a bastard, he doesn't care. I said before that he was always an adult, always acted like one, but I was wrong. How wrong I was. He never acted like an adult. My child self believed that being an adult was to avoid people and run away from problems. Now I realize why I thought Olly was weird. He's not weird for actually trying to solve his problems and facing them, he's perfectly fine and doing great in life. His only problem I bet is just making it through medical school.

Cody is a great runner. He always has been. He'd be the fastest guy on the track team probably. He's so good at running away from everything. I sometimes envy him. I can't keep up with the times anymore, but he sure can. He doesn't stay long enough to actually know what happens. Cody finds another excuse or story on why he can't stay. I forgot that sometimes that excuse is alcohol. That was his excuse today, he had alcohol to company him.

He got drunk.

Today, he decided to get drunk off his ass and throw a dance party for himself only. I didn't know why he missed school today until I got home to him stumbling around all over the place, knocking everything down. It was like a maze to get passed through him. He kept blocking my path in this teasing older brother manner. He called me his sister today which felt odd but I wasn't surprised because it was clearly the alcohol speaking and not him. Had he been sober, he wouldn't have acknowledged me. He only sees me as a roommate. Just another person who happens to share the same blood as him.

Despite him being a terrible brother, I tried to bring him to his room. I put away the bottles of Rum away in the kitchen cabinet. I really tried to keep it the way my mother has it. I organized the living room a tad bit. I tried to get him to go up the stairs but he was so reluctant to go up there. He grabbed my wrist at one point and held on to them tightly and it really hurt. I tried to get him to stop hurting me but it didn't work. I don't think there will be a bruise, though.

He started to speak all gibberish, he didn't make any sense. He was talking about how fun it would be to live in a forest or whatever but I paid little attention to him. I only started paying attention when he was speaking to me directly. We were probably halfway up the stairs when he started to say what a bitch I was. When I heard him begin to insult me, I tried to leave. I did my best to block him out, push him away, anything so I didn't hear his words.

Arguing with him was no option. It was a death wish to argue with someone who's in a rage while drunk and about twice your size. A death wish I tell you. I didn't want to die today.

I made it to my room and locked it. I don't want to write down what he said about me because it sucks. What he said sucks. What he said is beyond awful and I truly hate him for that.

His rant about the forest has had me thinking for the rest of the day. There is this part in our neighborhood where it's just a bunch of trees. Most people go there to camp but I wonder what it's like to just walk in it and see the trees. Maybe I'll go there someday this week. It sounds like a great idea thinking about it, it really does.

No homework has been completed today. Few, but very few, teachers have given me some slack about it. I really don't have any motivation for school at this time. And maybe, just maybe, for some people I would be considered a person who's reached a dead-end in her life. So soon. Only at the young age of fifteen. Fifteen and sad and alone. I feel so alone. I feel so goddamn alone it infuriates me so much. Why is it hard to talk to others?

I wanna punch the wall and the door and whatever I see insight. I wanna slam the door so hard that even those who live in Russia are scared. I want to take one of the poisonous bottles and smash it against Cody's head. He's a walking failure and I want him to see it. He always runs away, always and I want to be the one to drag him back. I want to be the one to shove a mirror to his face and shout at him. I want to tell him what a pathetic brother he is, to go take notes from Olly. It didn't even matter if he followed what Olly did, he could never be him. He's screwed up too many times. God, he's screwed up so many times, I'm sure he's going to become like my mother.

He really is a perfect blend of my mother and father. He gets drunk and runs away when a problem shows up just like they do. 

I want him to leave. I want him to leave so badly and never come back. 

One thing I wish for: for Cody to just disappear.