salty tears

six.

january 15th | 7:38 pm

Today I had a day to myself. I'm also writing a little earlier than usual which is an accomplishment for me. I'll finally get to sleep well.

Last night, I cried. It was inevitable looking back at it. My mother and the bottles of wine just added to it. During my crying session, my father arrived home. I didn't say anything because I was locked up in my room the entire day. Needless to say, I didn't need to say hello to him to know he was pissed. I'm sure he picked up a half-full bottle of whiskey and downed it all when he found my mother passed out. He says he doesn't like to drink. I sure do believe you dad.

He was drunk. He stumbled all around, I heard his heavy steps all around the house. His steps then woke up my mother, who then began to yell. She yelled and then he yelled. It was awful. The pounding and screeching of their voices are now forever engraved into my brain. I flinch when I think about it.

She wasn't home today, she went out. To where? I don't have a clue to her whereabouts but it didn't bother me. My father was back at work. And I, well I just skipped school for the heck of it. School and I couldn't connect right now. A disaster would unfold if I went to school today. Everyone would speak for the next week of how Allie broke down while her teacher explained the human anatomy.

What the hell is even life?

It's been so downhill lately, it's confusing and strange. I want to live in this fantasy world that I built but I can't because then reality will hit harder. Cody came by today. He wasn't alone, he had a few of his friends too. I think we had a conversation but it didn't mean anything. It felt forced and unnatural. Cody, in a way, was reality hitting you in the face. He was everything my parents told him not to be.

Also, something bad happened today. Many bad things happened today but this was the worst I think. It's going to be another uncomfortable memory that just sticks to me until I die. I trusted Cody's friends to a certain extent, they did many questionable things but overall they were friendly and respectful. That's how most of his friends were. A few were not that respectable. I was sitting by the kitchen counter when two of his friends came by to ask for some orange juice. I got them a red cup and an orange cup and poured them both their orange juice. I gave it to both of them and expected them to walk away. When I turned around to seal the orange juice I felt someone behind me get questionably close. He had an awful stench of marijuana lingering on him. At the moment, I felt so alone even though I wasn't. When I turned around to face the man he had a disgusting smiling growing on his face. I didn't want to know what he was thinking.

In less than a second, he abruptly grabbed my face and kissed me.

It startled me so much and I tried to push him away but somewhere in his mind, he took it as some weird flirting gesture. I felt even more fear rise in me when his hand went to places where his hand shouldn't have gone to. I tried my best to push him off and nothing worked.

Eventually, it stopped. He took his orange juice and left to the living room to hang out with Cody and his other friends.

I couldn't move. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't comprehend the world anymore. My feet were glued to the floor and my hands kept shaking and shaking. It felt like years when I finally moved to go to my room. I was so busy trying to get to my room that I forgot to put the orange juice back in the fridge.

I then called Olly. Quickly explained to him to come by quickly and hung up on him. I figured that would have got him to hurry up. Sure enough, he did. He almost knocked down my door after I didn't answer him immediately.

When I saw Olly, he had this look of concern and worry all throughout his body; I suppose he was scared for me. I broke down when I began to speak. He hugged me, tightly, and stroked my hair behind my ear. He always did that. It always helped me calm down. I told him through sobs about what that guy did. He asked who it was and I told him it was the guy in the lime green shirt. After I told him, he stayed for a bit and kept comforting me. The relief I felt when I saw him at my door was huge, I felt as if it was Superman himself standing there, ready to save the day. After a long hug, he said he'd be back and went downstairs. I had a feeling he was going to do something drastic, I just knew it then.

I'll write about it tomorrow. I'm too tired today.

Something I (stupidly) wish for: to not have had my first kiss go like this.