salty tears

eleven.

january 21st | 9:40 pm

I didn't want to go to school today. I don't ever really want to go to school, but today, I had a gut feeling that something would go terribly wrong. 

I went to school. I was bombarded with loads of questions from my friends. 

"Where have you been?"

"What's happened to you lately?"

"Are you okay?"

The boy who broke my heart asked me if I was okay. 

The boy who broke my heart wondered if I was doing okay. I think he knew I wasn't okay. I told him that I was just fine but the flu had really gotten to me. It's the excuse I used with the teachers as well. They seemed concern enough but it was probably for all the missing grades I had. My bag has never been this filled with papers and books before. I didn't do anything. I had a few hours to do it but I didn't do anything.

He offered to help me out. He said that he could come by and help me with my homework if I wanted to. I did want him to come by but knowing he would see the horrendous family I have, that didn't work well with me. I refused him many times and he still kept on insisting. I wanted to shout at him to stop offering his help. I don't need his help, I'm fine. I can wake up early and complete most of the homework. I could do that, I was fine.

I was the talk for my friend group most of the day. The topics discussed were just about me and this other girl who had some boy drama going on. He was in college. I wanted to slap her too. How could you be so stupid to fall for a guy who's older than you? A guy who probably just wants sex. How naive do you have to be?

The entire day was a headache. Tears began to build up every now and then and it took everything in me to not let them out. I can't stop thinking about him, the college dude my friend had problems with. He's in his twenties, I think, and he wants to go out with a fifteen-year-old?

I thought you got accepted into college because you were smart, who let this dumbass in?

There so many words that I could describe him to be: a dumbass, pedophile, creep, idiot, brainless zombie. 

Out of all the nice boys that go to our school, because there are some really nice guys who do go to our school, she falls for the twenty-something-year-old broke college student? That's who she wants to spend the rest of her life with? I saw pictures of him, she showed us on her phone because we were all dying to see how he looked like. Not only is he broke, but he's not too attractive either. I feel bad for her. I want to tell that she has it all wrong and that he's not good for her. He's going to hurt her. 

I was never told of 'stranger danger', not even by my dad. He may have mentioned it every now and then but he thought that I was just born with the knowledge. I wasn't born with that knowledge, if anything, I went inside this shady neighbor's house because he said that there was a cat inside. I got lucky because there was a cat inside his house. I got to know him for a bit, actually. He's really nice and every now and then he offers my family some of his homemade bread which I gladly accept. That was lucky though. Just because some people had good endings based on questionable decisions they made does not mean that you too should go out and make those same decisions.

Olly was the one who actually told me that it wasn't okay to leave the house, talk to a guy, and go inside his house because he says he has a cat.

Olly was the smart one in the family. Cody and I were the disappointments but on different levels. He was probably fighting the police somewhere in the city while I would just come back with the news that I failed a class. Olly was going to help the world somehow, whether he fought the bad guys or cured the good guys, he was going to help. I would be the one to mess everything up.

Olly told me most of those life lessons that parents typically tell their kids.  He always said to just follow you're gut, it's usually right. My gut was wrong today. Nothing "terrible" happened but I still felt awful and somehow angry. 

I find it funny that people make these bad decisions knowing that nothing good can come out of it. I'm a horrible person for saying that probably. It baffles me that some people are just completely clueless.

Something I wish for: for people to listen to their gut more, even if it isn't always right.