The Afternoon tea club: 2014 #WATTYS2014

The Adventures of Chapworth and Mortimer

The Adventures of Chapworth and Mortimer

Written by @MortimerLaFlaga, starring @ChapworthTheFairy

 Mortimer sidled up to Chapworth and together they gazed over their manor. “What a fine manor we have, Lord Chapworth.” said Mortimer in a fantastically posh accent.

“Indeed, Mortimer old chum. A fine manor indeed!” said Chapworth, matching the accent. “And how fine it is to be a lord of the manor, wouldn't you agree?”

“Oh, indeed I do, old Chappy,” Mortimer agreed. “What fine lords of the manor we make.”  Mortimer looked around. “I say, where is the scullery maid?”

“Yes, where is she?” asked Chapworth. “The scullery needs maiding. I shall call for her. Siobhan!” Chapworth called.

Siobhan (pronounced See-oh-ba-han) appeared, confusion wrinkling her brow. “What? Why are you calling me See-oh-ba-han?” Chapworth and Mortimer just chuckled.

“Oh dear scullery maid, you say the most amusing things sometimes,” laughed Chapworth. “Now run along to your scullery duties, and while you're at it, please call for our Cheffeur.”

Siobhan looked at the lords of the manor like they were crazy. “Cheffeur? What the hell are you two on about? Seriously Shelly, I know that you two are weird, but...”

Chapworth cut her off. “Who is this 'Shelly'? I am Chapworth, your lord of the manor! Know your place, insolent scullery maid!”

Siobhan sighed. “Fine, whatever. Oh look, here's Vine, finally someone sane...”

“Oh spectacular timing!” Said Mortimer, looking at the approaching person. “Here comes our Cheffeur, Wilheim Sebastian. Wilheim!” Called Mortimer.

Wilheim looked at Mortimer and Chapworth with a sceptical expression. She turned to Siobhan. “Susan, what's going on? Please tell me they haven't gone off on another alter-ego thing again.”

Siobhan shrugged. “I have no idea what goes on in their heads. I'm a scullery maid apparently, and you're a 'cheffeur' and your new name is Wilheim. What even is a cheffeur?” Siobhan asked.

Mortimer and Chapworth looked at each other and shook their heads. “Plebeians,” they said in unison.

“I suppose we better tell the commoners what a cheffeur is,” said Mortimer, and Chapworth nodded in agreement. Mortimer turned back to Siobhan and Wilheim. “A cheffeur is a lower class person, such as yourselves, who undertakes the duties of both a chef and a chauffeur, to serve to rich upper classes, such as ourselves, the lords of the manor.” Siobhan and Wilheim slapped their foreheads, just as a new person approached.

“Oh look, here comes Jade,” said Wilheim. “Is she in on this too?”

Siobhan shook her head. “Don't think so.”

The new person approached Mortimer. “Ciiindaaaaa,” she said. “Hey.”

Mortimer shook his head. “I do not know who you are referring to, commoner. My name is Mortimer, and Chapworth and I are your lords of the manor.” Mortimer turned to Chapworth. “Who is this one again?”

Chapworth looked thoughtful, before replying. “If memory serves me right, I think this one's name was Sjqhejffjorjd (pronounced Shefford). I think this one is the concubine of the manor.”

At that last sentence, Mortimer and Chapworth lost control of their poker faces, and Cinda and Shelly took over again. That was just too funny to keep in character for. They laughed hysterically and ended up rolling on the floor, to the dismay, confusion and utter bewilderment of Siobhan, Wilheim Sebastian and Sjqhejffjorjd (or Susan, Vine and Jade).

“We make freaking awesome lords of the manor,” laughed Cinda.

Shelly replied, “That we do, Mortimer. That we do.”