Dolan Imagines ♛

•bee sting ~ E

Sad
I know Ethan would never be like how he's described.
—

* Ethan's POV *

-

Sour tears still sting my eyes.
Kissing my cheeks.
Like you used too.
Sour memories burn
And my heart lurches for your love again.
Aching
Pain
I know pain is your familiar friend - I can't complain about mine. Somewhat comforting. That disappoints me y/n. Pain become normal for you. Regret has now become my reality.
My bloodshot eyes stare back at me in the mirror, and I see the reflections of my wrong doings.

I know you're out drinking, y/n.
Not to torch the memories of my unfair game, not to burn the bitterness infirmed in your gut. Not to flame the shadow of my hand on your fair cheek, and the sting that came with it.
But to celebrate your win; your escape from the viscous cycle we called love. That we really did believe in.
For a while
I wish I was the bottle
So I can be close to your lips again.

I keep lying to myself
Saying it wasn't my fault
I put everything else before my one true love
And now I have none of it

Your absence; you were the foundation; everything is broken.

Shrapnel.
War ground.
Guns and violence.
My mental state.
Do not pity me. For I never pitied you until I lost you. It then hit me.
A constant internal battle: loving you, and not showing you the compassion I had.

You weren't a fan of pictures
So I hardly ever took them
Got them saved in my mind from the bedroom
So that way I can't forget your skin
Your radiant skin.
Kissed by sundrops.
Reflecting rays of positivity.
Blessed by beauty.
Your black pupils as poisonous as poppies; killing me, addicting me. All at the same time as mystery. And wonder.
So I saved all the texts; all of the best over the years - just to remind myself-
of how good it is

Or was

Or wasn't.

The neglect
The shouting - no, the screaming.
The tears.

That I then mumbled sweet sympathies and sorrys to stop your sorrows.

But it wasn't enough.

Nothing breaks like a heart.

Yours was so fragile, y/n
And you gave it to me to trust.
And I let it slip
Slip through my selfish fingers, and smash
Shatter onto the floor.
Shards sharp
Stinging like the words I spat at you
Sharp like the force of my hand.
The regretful force.
Forces.

Sorry doesn't fix it.
A hug
A kiss
Make up sex
It was just a meer band aid for the emotional agony I put you through.
You took it, in hopes of mending.
But it wasn't a cast.
It was like an antiseptic wipe.
Wipe away the hurt
Leave an open wound.
Ready for infection
.

My egotistical outlook - a girl I thought worthless. But deep down, deeper than the cut. She meant the world to me.

The warning signs came and went
Like passing sirens into the distance.
You came and went.
I saw the signs.
I turned a blind eye.
I ignorantly thought you'd stay. You deserved better. You were the wise one.

I know you're better off without me. Finding love from men who don't hurt you. Who only touch your cheek with passion and awe.
But you were everything I need.
And more.
And I know you felt the way
For some time.

I sit and watch my tears fall on this paper. Each one replays me a million tales. Tales of our new found love. Our trauma. Our tough times. Victories. But all of them end the same - a reflection of me - alone. Needing your sanity and comfort.
The paper consumes the salty, sour, stinging water, each drop holding the chemicals of my emotions.
It disappears, leaving a residue.
You've disappeared from my life
Yet leave such a huge impact
You cause my tears.
You and your wiseness
You and your worth.

Please.
I miss you
I love you.

I need you

I've changed.

With sincere regrets,
With eternal, misplaced hope,
With comstant love that i should've shown before,

Ethan