Kindred Spirit | KYLO REN

24. Awaken

When I looked over my shoulder, Kylo was nowhere in sight. I had no idea when he had left or where he had gone. I woodenly got out of bed.

The tissue paper came away red and brown. I watched the dark specks flow down the drain in the shower, feeling nothing. I felt displaced from my body, like I was hovering above it, observing someone else controlling my limbs. The shower ran cold.

Hitting the button to open the fresher door, I stood in the doorway for a long moment. The bed was made with fresh sheets. He's here...somewhere.

I got dressed and crawled under the sheets, piling every available layer and pillow on top of me. I let myself shiver to get warm. Once I was comfortable, my unoccupied mind filled with the stuff of my worst nightmares.

Shame and anger battled for dominance inside me. I didn't know whether I was more angry at him for doing it or at myself for allowing it. I did know that I felt ashamed of myself. Of my choices, my mistakes. My life. The sinister feeling that it was all my fault crept into the back of my mind.

It was overwhelming.

It threatened to swallow me whole.

Pressing my face into a pillow, I sent my mind off to float in the starscape of my imagination. The deep oblivion welcomed me like an old friend. Nothing bothered me there, not even the distant twinkling stars—innocent celestial bodies untouched by humanity's sin. I relaxed as a veil of numbness fell around my body and mind.

I heard sounds over the next few hours, but I remained wrapped in my peaceful cocoon. When I eventually felt my side of the bed dip, I jolted in surprise.

"I found a lead to the map in the Inner Rim," said Kylo's excited voice. I felt him begin to peel back the bedding covering my head. "I know why the Force revealed this to me. I can sense it..."

Fear shot through me when I saw the outline of him through the last sheet. I moved a pillow over my face. He simply pulled it away, revealing a non-threatening look of boyish delight on his face. He wore his full battle garb.

"I am going to kill Luke Skywalker and bring balance to the Force."

I felt nothing. To placate him, I nodded.

A tiny smile appeared on his lips. He reached out to touch my face.

"No," I snapped, rolling over.

His hand fell on the mountain of bedding covering my legs. "I've thought about you all day, Lucia," he said softly.

"No," I repeated angrily.

"I'll let you come down to the planet," he said.

I looked over my shoulder and glared daggers at him. His eyes widened in surprise.

"No."

He turned away, rubbing a hand over his face in exasperation. Considering he had barely slept over the past several weeks, I had no doubt he was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I might have felt bad for him under different circumstances. As I continued to glare at the back of his head, his shoulders hunched.

"You think I'm a monster," he murmured.

The word disarmed me. I thought back to the terrible things he had done—abuse, intimidate, murder. I thought of the terrible things I had done. I wondered if any of it was for myself or if I had done it all for him. For him to notice me. To love me. My lips parted.

"No more of a monster than me," I whispered.

He stood up with a quiet scoff. He reached out, and his helmet flew off the dresser and into his hand. Without turning around, he put it on and sealed the respirator.