ON THE ROAD

Max

The day went by slowly. Endless fields of golden flowers later, I asked Hallie to stop the car. We were in a small rural town, somewhere along the border of Nevada, where the roads seemed to be made out of dust, but were actually just that dirty, and the houses seemed to be ready to fall apart any second. I used to be in contact with a dealer who lived in this town. Needless to say that I felt like home.

Hallie's mutism was loud: I could hear her fear, her pain and her regrets. I knew she wished she could take back her choice of following me for this trip and wondered how long it would take for her to give up on her « two girls road tripping » dreams.

Ever since I set the clock straight that morning, she followed my every gestures with a frightened look in her eyes, as if I had turn into a monster. My palms turned into fists when I caught her staring, with a vivid disgust, at the town surrounding us.

« -Why are you looking around like that? Not enough Macy's? Missing your country club?

-What? No, I...

-Then fucking stop pretending you're so much better than everybody else! »

I felt pretty happy about the way I used words instead of violence to change her behaviour. She was not mean, but I hated rich girls. They were all the same: mommy and daddy had given them everything they ever dreamed of from the moment they were born, turning them into prissy little kids. I knew she was not different, I saw how proud her mother was when walking around town with her daughter, showing her off like she was just the perfect human she could've ever dreamed of. She probably told her about fifty times a day how much she loved her and treated her like a little princess. The thought of her perfect family made me sick.

« -What's your problem? » she asked me in a calm voice, making me even more angry than my thoughts already had.

« -What did you just say?

-I asked what was your...

-Yeah, I heard you. I was simply wondering if you would be stupid enough to repeat it. »

I unfastened my seatbelt and reached for the handle. I heard the door locking and the tension in the car became even more obvious.

« -Stop it, you're going to get killed! »she screamed in a little voice.

« -Oh yeah, that would be sad... »

She looked at me, trying to comprehend my intentions

« -Stop the damn car.

-I won't. I know nobody in this town, heck I don't even know where we are, and I am not letting you go that easily.

-Why do you do this? Am I your charity work? Do you feel good helping me?

-Alright, we should stop talking before I lose my calm. »

Not being able to shut up had always been my biggest shortcoming.

« -No, go on, tell me what's on your smart little mind.

-Maxine...

-Go on Hallie, tell an old friend what you really think of me. Go on sweet perfect Hallie...

-You are the most incredibly rude and disgusting human I've seen in awhile. Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? You seem to be ten years older from smoking and drinking too much and your biggest pleasure seems to be ruining your life. I have had the audacity of thinking that this could be a good opportunity for me to expand my horizons, but the only thing I have learned so far is my poor capacity at handling alcool and how irritable a human being can be. I've never met someone who could make me this angry and disgusted and sad and scared and angry and angry and ANGRY. »

The car was silent for a few seconds before I bursted out of laughter. I couldn't stop, tears were crawling out of my eyes like warm lava coming out of a volcano and snorts were soon to come out of me like a pig begging for food. I laughed and laughed and laughed and felt her baffled look on me.

« -Oh gosh, that was so funny, man », I eventually managed to tell Hallie.

« -Are you mentally stable? »

I think she meant it as a joke, but her tone was uncertain.

« -I won't apologize, because that's not me, but I definitely understand what you mean. And wow, it's so you: after all the shit I tell you, you mostly insult me on my physical appearance. »

She giggled nervously.

« -I know I look bad. I know I take bad decisions. I know I'm an asshole to everybody. But the thing, I really can't seem to care. »

We stayed in silence for a few minutes while she drove around towards the center.

« -Why do I make you sad? »I asked more softly than I intended to.

« -Your eyes.

-What, my eyes?

-They just seem to hold so much pain. You used to tell me that I was an open book, but you're even worse. Your eyes are storytellers and the tale they share is not a beautiful one. It is full of pain, lost, anger, oblivion... that's why.

-Well fuck you. I am sad. I am lost. I am angry. I am lonely. But I absolutely hate that somebody else can see it. And I hate that you care enough to see it. Please don't care. If you do, I'll break you, like I always do. If I asked you to help me, it's because I am literally alone. I have no one. And that's all because of me. »

I knew I had said too much and turned my head towards the window to hide the red that started to colour my cheeks.

« -Break me then. I'm not going back. If there is only thing left for me to do, I'll try my best just to ignite a new light inside your eyes. I know you'll be angry pretty much constantly which will make me angry as well, but I won't give up. I have two weeks to make your eyes tell a new kind of story, one filled with hope. You're no longer alone, Max. »

Poor sweet Hallie.

« -You can't change me. »

I believed my words, she wouldn't change me.

But I couldn't help myself and simply smiled.