ON THE ROAD

Max

Piece by piece, my heart disintegrated until I was standing in its fragments, begging my soul not to do the same. And, unlike last time, I was the only one to blame for the ache. I thought I was already broken and couldn't be even more, but I guess I was wrong.

"Hallie!"I managed to scream before she was out of my sight.

She didn't hear me. If she had, she would've looked back... right?

I wanted to run, but I felt like my feet were stuck to the ground, like cement had been poured on them. I could tell people were walking around me, but no noise was loud enough to awake me from the pain. If I had not been brutally pushed to the side, I could've stayed there for days,

"Get lost girl, you're in the way."

I looked to the right to see who's voice had aggressively snapped at me. The boy standing in front of me was probably less than twenty, must've gone to the gym everyday according to his massive biceps and had the eyes of someone who had started drinking early that day.

With the accumulation of both adrenaline and pain, this small incident was the fuel needed to ignite the fire of violence in me. I grabbed his collar in my hand and threw the first punch. The fight didn't last long; after a few grunts of pain from both sides, some blood shed and another crowd of people gathering, I was put back on my feet by my adversary.

"I don't fight women"he spit out at my intention. "I said it once and won't say it again; get lost."

He talked in a nasillard way that let me know that I had done a good job breaking his nose. When I heard someone shouting for security, I knew it was my cue to go. I ran out of the circus as fast as I could and, once in the street, I didn't stop until my heart threatened to fail me. My face hurt, but I enjoyed physical pain. The worst way to hurt was when there was no blood to wipe, no bones to heal and no wound to cover. When the pain was inside, I was the only one who could help myself and Lord knows that's not something I was good at. The only thing I ever did was hurt the people around me, so how was I supposed to treat myself? Better than I do with the rest of the world?

I could blame it on my parents, I could blame it on my life, but like Hallie had said, I had to stop making excuses for my behaviour. Even if I had lived in her house, had been offered the opportunities rich kids have, I would've turned out shitty. That's just who I was.

I had no idea why I told her the words I didn't even mean anymore. Indeed, I was about to let her go, but it wasn't because I hated her, I never had. In fact, I had never been as interested in an other human before. I hated myself, but most importantly, I hated the way I always broke the people who showed kindness to me.

My thoughts brought me back to grade 7. My first friend in years was called Noella. She was sweet as honey and pretty as a Hollywood actress, well at least, that's what people told her. I found her intriguing and managed to befriend her. We spent hours telling each other secrets... she spent hours telling me her secrets. Her life at home wasn't the easiest; her father worked a lot, but when he was one, he would let out his anger in the shape of violence on his mom.

I remember the day where everything changed. She arrived home in her favorite yellow dress but my eyes didn't quit her neck. That day, her mother had out heavy makeup on her face, but the scarf she had wrapped around her neck wasn't enough to hide the blue finger marks. I assaulted her with my questions and, expecting her to start crying, I gently put my arms around her shoulders. But she never showed any emotions. She simply took me by the hand and brought me under the big tree in the back of the yard where nobody ever went since it was told to be haunted. Her lack of emotions didn't scare me like it did for adults when they talked to her that day. It impressed me and, in my eyes, she was the strongest, most courageous and most beautiful girl in this world.

She slowly wrapped a string of my hair around her finger and before I could say anything to comfort her, she pressed her lips against mine. It's been years, but I still remember the way she tasted, like a mix between honey and coconut. Her mouth was warm and soft, but our kiss was more savage and hard than the ones I had shared with boys before. At that age, I didn't even think about the fact that she was a girl and even afterwards, the thought never crossed my mind to categorize me as anything. I was simply a girl who had kissed a girl and who had liked it. I could relate to Katy Perry when she sang those words on the radio, but I never looked up to the ones who promoted different sexual identities. I was me and that was difficult enough to comprehend, I didn't want to add anything else on top.

When she broke the kiss, she laid her head on my shoulder and told me softly:

"I'm sorry."

I never asked her to develop, but I knew what she meant. She had used me as a way to be comforted when she needed it. I was alright with that. I thought I could still talk to her, be her friend and that was enough. But that afternoon, they came looking for her in our classroom. She stood up as soon as the principal walked in, as if she had been expecting it. That day was the last time I ever saw her. I heard different versions of the same story: some said she had moved, other said she had run away and others claimed she had been put in foster care. Who knew.

I didn't break Noella. I didn't have the time. But ever since she left, I built a shell around myself to protect me. Hallie was the second person who managed to start breaking that shell, which I guess wasn't as strong as I thought it was. I could explain my behaviour by claiming that I got scared of the way I started to feel about her, but I had already told myself I wasn't worth excuses.

The night had a numbing effect on me, that was more than welcomed that day. I felt like the dark could heal the most broken souls for a few seconds, since it understood the darkness that lived beneath the layers of broken and messed up. I walked and walked and walked on the same road for what felt like hours, but must've been only a few minutes, since I could still vaguely hear the loud noises from the circus behind me when the car stopped next to me. Before even looking I knew who it was. And it made me mad.

"Max, get in."

Her voice was so soft. Why was she still nice to me? Couldn't she stay mad and leave me here to suffer alone?

"Maxine, I won't stay here all night. You get in or you sleep outside."

The thought wasn't appealing. I looked to the side and the sight of the girl in her car broke my heart. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked as if a truck had ran her over a hundred times.

I hurried inside the car and held her in my arms. I could tell she was surprised from this burst of affection, but I didn't even care. My facade was down, which had always been my biggest fear, but I was ready to do anything to keep her close to me.

"Why did you come back for me?"

I wanted to tell her how stupid she was to be back with me. How the events of tonight were just a foreshadowing of what was next to come. But I said it multiple times, I was a shitty human. So, I selfishly kept her in my arms.

"I won't leave you Maxine. You're a real bitch-and I've never cussed more than I have since I've been spending time with you- and you are so rude, but that's not important. I've told you once that I wouldn't give up on you and I still believe in my words..."

I stopped her speech by covering her mouth with mine. She had never showed me any signs of possibly wanting this, but I fucking did, want it. Want her. So I kissed her.

When, after a few seconds, I felt her lips move under mine, kissing me back, I felt my stomach flutter. Everything around me disappeared; it was simply Hallie and her voluptuous lips. When she moaned my name, I couldn't control myself and attempted to lift her shirt. She pushed my hand away and broke the kiss.

"I'm sorry!"I squeaked.

Who was I? Apologizing and squeaking in the same sentence, I must've turned crazy.

"Well..." she said before pausing for a second. "This wasn't the ferris wheel, but it was much better."

We laughed.

I knew the problems weren't over and that this kiss wasn't good enough to make her forget about all of the shit I had said, but I felt my heart blooming a little again.