ON THE ROAD

Hallie

Hours later, I woke up again to the sound of an argument.

Behind the close doors, voices were loudly arguing, and although I couldn't hear what they were saying, I knew that it involved me. I recognized easily the sound of my mother's voice, but unless Max had stepped aside from the argument, which could never have happened, she had probably left. I couldn't help but feel pain in my chest. Again.

As the door opened wide, I heard my mother using her tone of « I'll have the last word in this argument » to say:

"Whatever you say, Doctor. I don't need your approval, this is my daughter and she needs me. I am not sitting in this waiting room for one more second."

She walked, chin held high, into my room and sat in the chair next to my bed.

"You're awake." She simply stated.

"Mom, I'm too tired to talk."

I opened my eyes to see her reaction, but she was too busy furiously typing on her phone to listen to what her daughter had to say.

"I have been texting all morning with Gracie's mother who agrees with my idea: you two girls need to get back on tracks, so we will send you all summer in a church camp."

"Mom, I am not going to church camp. Can I please rest?"I pleaded.

"Rest for what? For running out of money and plotting some sort of sick story to sleep under a roof for free? You know our insurances don't cover everything, this will cost..."

"Mom! You have to be fucking kidding me!"

It was the first time I was cussing at my mother and it felt great. Perhaps Max had a bigger influence on me than I had expected.

"What did you just say?"

If eyes could kill, I would be six-feet under.

"Hallie, I don't know who you think you have become, but this is not you. I'll go talk to the doctor to get you out of here, it's not doing you any good."

I couldn't help but let a tear run down my cheek. I had always known my mother wasn't the warmest person, but this had to be a record. I didn't think she even knew -or cared- why her daughter was in the hospital.

"Mother", I called her before she left the room.

"All of these bruises can't lie, something happened. And if you could see the memories I have of that night..." I shivered, " you would know I invented none of this. I am your daughter, how can you not even slightly worry? How can you pretend that everything will go back to normal by sending me to church camp? I need more than this mother. I am tired of feeling alone. Of feeling sad. Of feeling bored. I want to live like I have in the last two weeks. I want to discover the world. I don't expect you to understand, but can't you remember the time when you fell in love with dad?"

A light appeared in her eyes for a second, before disappearing. Thinking it was a good sign, I kept on going.

"I now know that love isn't easy. That it hurts. But even if it lasts two day, this short laps of time will be worth it. It'll be worth all of the pain."

"I was just like you when I was your age. I thought I knew it all. Well,  guess what honey, you know nothing. If you think you know what pain is, you'll be surprised. Life is hard, much harder as you grow up. And I don't want you to think that running away from home makes you some type of hero. You know nothing and that's just a fact." She said in a surprisingly calm and steady voice.

She left the room. I was once again alone, baffled by her words.

Not even three seconds later, she was back in the doorway.

"Let me tell you a story Hallie. When I was 17, I met this man. He was all I could've dreamed of: handsome, kind and wild. He was the only person in my surroundings that wasn't driven by God and, for that exact reason, I kept him a secret to everybody. For one summer, he even made me lose sight of my faith. I thought that loving him was the most precious gift I had ever been given and I was willing to do anything to keep him."

Her voice was still calm, but her eyes were filled by an emotion I couldn't quite comprehend.

"I can't believe I'm admitting this to you, but if it's what it takes for you to be yourself again, I'm willing to do anything.
One night, he climbed up to my room, the way he usually did, and offered me... alcohol. It was the first and last time and drank so much I could barely sit up. That night, he took advantage of me. Although I had mentioned numerous times that I wanted to wait for marriage, he thought otherwise and managed to trick me. That night, he forced me to do the things I wanted to save for the man who would choose me as his wife. For a man like your father, who I might not love passionately, but who respects me."

My throat was dry and I felt tears tickling the corners of my eyes.

"When I woke up the next morning, my bed stained with blood, I immediately knew what had happened. I opened all of the windows to change the smell of wine that made me want to throw up and managed to sneakily wash my sheets before my parents could see them. I then hurried to his house to confront him, but he wasn't there. I looked around for hours, but couldn't find him anywhere.  A few nights later, he appeared at my window again and, blinded by what I thought was love, I let him in again. Even if I was then sober, he used sweet words to have me. Once he had forced himself into me once, I then let the door wide open every time. I'll spare you the details, but, a few weeks later, I found him in bed with one of my friends."

Her eyes were filled with pain and regrets. Her voice was now shaky but still sounded confident.

"The day I caught him cheating, I was looking for him. I had to announce him that I was pregnant."

She looked straight at me.

"That's you."