480 Hours

13 | What's On My Mind

Staff Sergeant Hogan

I definitely had not expected to walk out and see Margaret in the hallway with another man. In fact, that was the last thing I thought I would see.

Logically, I knew she could have just met the man; ran into him while walking in the hallway or even stopped to ask him for directions. Even so, I couldn't stop the slight tinge of jealousy I felt when I saw her face light up at a joke he told her just out of earshot. A smile that up until then, I had been naïve enough to believe belonged only to me.

Jealousy was a strange feeling.

I hated it.

In the past, I truly had avoided any relationships that involved meaningful feelings with a woman. While in the corps I had slipped up a time or two, having one too many beers at a bar, only to wake up in a bed that was not my own. Although these past "relationships" with women were never something I had been ashamed of in the past, suddenly I felt like the greatest sinner in the world. Especially when looking into the golden brown eyes of a woman I truly did not deserve.

Unexpectedly, I was angry that I had not saved that part of myself for a woman that cared for me just as much as I did for her. Until meeting Maggie, I had not realized how many emotions truly were missing from my usual lifestyle, shame being one of them.

After joining the two and placing Maggie's hand in my own out of instinct, I reluctantly allowed my attention to be drawn back to the dark haired man outfitted in blue scrubs. Unfortunately for my ego, even I could admit he was a handsome guy. Maggie, being a sweet soul introduced us, confirming my earlier fear that they knew one another from the past. The nurse eventually excused himself, but only after placing a gentle touch to Maggie's shoulder to say goodbye.

And after I had been ignorant enough to declare Maggie was my girlfriend without ever having officially asked her. She was not a possession I could claim and instantly I regretted my actions, knowing that when the time was right, I would need to apologize to her yet again.

The way he had looked at her with such admiration and affection led me to believe he either once had feeling for my girl, or still did. Either way, I wanted to steer Margaret away from the attractive man in the hallway and into the slightly humid hospital room that my mother had been calling home for almost a month.

My ego and confidence couldn't handle another moment in his presence. 

When we entered the room, hand in hand, my mother's petite face lit up the moment she saw Margaret. Before I had a chance to make any sort of introduction, my mother excitedly addressed Maggie. "You must be Margaret. Oh sweetie, it is so nice to finally meet you. My son has told me so many wonderful things about you! Please come in, come in!"

I couldn't comprehend how she was so lucid after the traumatizing morning she had had. Yet, it was still nice to see her joyful again after so many days of grogginess; even if I knew the sudden burst of energy wouldn't last very long.

Unbelievably, she had managed to lose even more weight in the weeks since my arrival. She claimed food no longer seemed to hold a taste and it seemed pointless to go through the motions of something she could no longer enjoy. With doctor's approval and a lot of protest on her part, I made sure she at least pecked at her food every time I came to visit.

My mother slowly raised a shaky hand and motioned for Maggie and I to join her next to her hospital bed. When Maggie was within striking distance, my mother used what little strength she had left for the day to lazily wrap Maggie in a hug, smiling wide in her direction after they broke apart. Once Maggie was standing tall again, I took my turn and leaned in for a hug, receiving a kiss on the cheek as opposed to a reciprocated hug, as I knew she no longer had the energy.