coffee // joshler

64

tylers point of view

im in the back of lemondrop, working as usual. im stirring up some cookie batter, testing out a new gluten-free recipe.

i have the wedding on my mind, all the things that we still have to do, all the things that could still go wrong. on top of that, we still have bills and expenses. i still have lemondrop. employees to manage, recipes to tweak, pastries to bake.

i can hear everyone talking in the front, too, a constant, muted chatter. i hear coffee making, chairs moving, papers crinkling, music playing. and back in the kitchen, i hear a timer ticking, the sink running, the air conditioning blowing a cool breeze.

suddenly, its all too much and i find myself feeling like im spinning. the world is much too loud and never stops spinning.

too much, too much, too much.

i feel my heart race in my chest and tears begin to sting behind my eyes.

"no, no, no. not now," i mumble to myself, quiet and frantic.

jenna walks into the kitchen then, and all i see is a blur of yellow as she rushes towards me. "woah, tyler, are you okay?"

i shake my head, unable to form anymore words. my hand reaches out to grip the counter and ends up knocking off the bowl of batter id been making.

"ill be right back. sit down, breathe. its okay. im going to call josh," jenna is gone just as soon as she arrived, and i faintly hear her talking to who i assume is josh on the phone.

my vision is blurred and i finally take her advice and sit down, my back against the counter and my hands over my eyes.

a few moments after i sit, i feel a hand take mine. jenna is next to me again, doing her best to comfort me.

"hey, its okay. youre safe. josh is on his way. hes going to take you home and you can rest. youre okay," she speaks softly and gently. "just focus on me. its all okay. focus on me and he'll be here soon. its okay, ty."

i nod and do my best to listen only to what shes saying. i try to steady my breaths, and before i know it, a door is opening somewhere and another person sits in front of me.

"ty? ty, baby, its me. im here now, okay?" josh's voice is like music to my ears. "im here, angel."

i let go of jennas hand and immediately lean forward to cling to him, my arms wrapping around his shoulders.

"josh," i cry into his shirt and he shushes me.

"shh, it's okay. im here now. we can go home, love. its okay," he kisses the top of my head and i nod.

"i-i wanna go home now."

-

when we get back to our apartment, josh leads me to the bathroom. he starts water going for a bath and adds some soap, letting the tub fill before he steps back.

"do you want me to help you, sweetheart?" he smiles gently and i feel my heart warm.

"no, i got it. thank you, though," i lean forward and kiss his cheek, "really, thank you, josh."

"anytime."

josh leaves the room and closes the door, leaving me to undress myself and step into the bathtub. i sit down slowly, letting the water and bubbles cover as much or as little of me as it wants, not caring how i look.

there's no room in my head for self-consciousness. only the feeling of my anxiety slowly falling off of me.

i close my eyes and lean my head against the wall and take a deep breath.

my lungs will fill and then deflate. they fill with fire, exhale desire. i know it's dire, my time today.

lyrics i wrote a few years ago return to my head and i find myself wondering about the keyboard josh gave me for christmas.

i suddenly have the strongest urge to get it out, to finish writing the song i started all those years ago.

so, i stand up. i dry myself off and go to our room, dressing myself in a pair of sweatpants and one of josh's sweaters. then, i get out the keyboard.

i plug it in and set the stand up in the corner of our room. then i take a deep breath, i close my eyes, and i play.

"i ponder of something great. my lungs will fill and then deflate. they fill with fire, exhale desire. i know it's dire, my time today.

i have these thoughts so often i ought to replace that slot with what i once bought, cause somebody stole my car radio and now i just sit in silence.

sometimes quiet is violent. i find it hard to hide it. my pride is no longer inside. it's on my sleeve. my skin will scream, reminding me of who i killed inside my dream. i hate this car that im driving. there's no hiding from me. im forced to deal with what i feel. there is no distraction to mask what is real. i could pull the steering wheel.

i have these thoughts so often i ought to replace that slot with what i once bought cause somebody stole my car radio, and now i just sit in silence.

i ponder of something terrifying cause this time there's no sound to hide behind. i find over the course of our human existence, one thing consists of consistence and it's that we're all battling fear. oh dear, i don't know if we know why we're here. oh my, too deep, please stop thinking. i liked it better when my car had sound.

there are things we can do, but from the things that work there are only two. and from the two that we choose to do, peace will win and fear will lose. there's faith and there's sleep. we need to pick one, please, because faith is to be awake, and to be awake is for us to think, and for us to think is to be alive. and i will try with every rhyme to come across like i am dying to let you know you need to try to think.

i have these thoughts so often i ought to replace that slot with what i once bought, cause somebody stole my car radio, and now i just sit in silence.

and now i just sit in silence.
and now i just sit.
and now i just sit in silence.
and now i just sit in silence.
and now i just sit in silence.
and now i just sit.

i ponder of something great. my lungs will fill and then deflate. they fill with fire, exhale desire. i know it's dire, my time today.

i have these thoughts so often i ought to replace that slot with what i once bought, cause somebody stole my car radio and now i just sit in silence."

my hands pull away from the keys and im out of breath, my throat dry and my eyes wet.

music has always been a very intense and emotional thing for me, and singing a song i wrote when i was in such a bad place evidently brought tears to my eyes.

i snap back to reality when i hear clapping. i look up, and josh is standing there, applauding me.

"that was so amazing, tyler."

"i, um, thank you," i swallow hard and he gives me a soft smile, slowly walking towards me to grab my hands.

"i am so proud of you."

(an: not me using up my word count to type the lyrics to a song we all already know lmfao)