The Burning Secret

Chapter Eighteen

The familiar feeling of almost home and comfort hit me the instance I was in the threshold of the garden. It was a feeling I had felt the entire summer that Lucas and I had shared together and dread hit me like a wave just thinking about how things were back then. It seemed like a lifetime ago everything had been easier and I had nobody to blame for the circumstances I was in, other than myself.

I shook my head in frustration and lay my weary body in a patch of fresh grass; needing just at least a simple minute to relax and almost feel like myself again. I wasn't this girl, I had never pictured myself being this person and yet here I was. I was cheating on my boyfriend who was one of the most caring people I had met-considering he had given up his scholarship for me-with his brother. Just because we had only kissed didn't make the situation ok, everything about it was wrong and yet I couldn't forget about Jake nor could I contemplate leaving Lucas. Maybe leaving Lucas was the right thing to do, not for Jake, but because he deserved someone who was better than me in every way possible.

Everything was a mess and it all came back to one reason, me. I know I shouldn't have let things get this far and everytime I tried to change the direction things were headed, I seemed to take an unintentional step back.

My hands tightened around the strands of cool grass and my frustration with myself increased. I had to think of something else, anything else. My mother would never have pictured me doing this. My mother. Suddenly I sat up clutching at my heart as the familiar lump grew in my chest everytime that I thought about her. Would she have been proud of me? I don't think she would have been, she would have told me not to throw something good away. I still remembered the last time I saw her, the way her hair smelt in the mornings and how she was captivated by everything going on around her. The world wasn't fair to her; she had years left and she was taken too early. I never did understand, her heart had been in perfect condition and then the next day it just gave up. Being picked up by your dad from school at fourteen to be told that you no longer had a mum, haunted me for months. Sometimes I would make her a cup of tea out of habit for when she would come back from work, but nobody ever came through the door and the tea had gone cold. It took me and my dad a lot of adjusting, but together somehow we did it and I love him more everyday for how he handled losing her with only me around to comfort him.

My throat felt like it had swelled up and I raised my hand to my face feeling warm damp tears pooling from my eyes. I couldn't keep them in anymore and so I wrapped my arms around my knees as I uncontrollably sobbed into my lap.

I don't know how long I had been crying for, but it felt like hours. I hadn't moved from my hunched over position and tears were still falling. A shadow cast over me and I blinked away my remaining tears before seeing who was standing over me.

"Jesus Miya, what the hell are you doing? My mum is worried sick. What's wrong?" Jake asked sympathetically and pulled me slowly to me feet.

I sniffed. "I just really need someone right now." I admitted, feeling completely empty inside and without even thinking about what I was doing, I fell into Jake's chest.

His hand stroked my hair and my back as he embraced me against him. "Shh, please don't cry. I don't like seeing you like this. You've got me." He reassured me, but his words weren't making any difference.

"I've ruined everything. You, Lucas, my mum. I feel so alone Jake. I've made some bad decisions and I can't undo them." I cried into his chest again.

"Don't put yourself down like that, you can't help the way you feel. Nobody can Miya." Jake replied and stroked my hair again.

I pulled out of his embrace. "Don't do that Jake. I don't deserve your kindness." I choked on my words and fiercely swiped the tears off my face. "I should get back, I don't want Sophie to be worried about me, that's not fair." I added.