Would you live for me? || Phan DH + PL

Five - Coming home

Phil

I walked up to the big wooden door of my house.

I knocked.

I walked in.

"Mum?" I yelled out into the house not sure if I wanted an answer or not.

"Phil?" She yelled coming rushing up to the door and engulfing me in a hug.

Suddenly her face of relief changed to one of anger "How could you do that to me?" She demanded but still not letting me go.

Yet no matter how hard she held me I still felt as if I wasn't being touched. Like I was watching my life through a glass pane, being able to see everything but feel none of it. If everyone was tethered to reality by pieces of red string we call emotions, mine had been cut. The tangles pieces left holes in places that needed to be filled while too much in other areas.

"I'm sorry," I said whispering. "For everything," she would assumed I meant for not coming home last night but I was apologizing for so much more. My very existence did nothing but hurt the people around me. But it was not just the things I had done that I was saying sorry for, it was one for all the things I was going to do. All the things I had to do.

I lay on my bed, paralyzed by everything that was covering me. My head was weighted to the mattress as I brought my knees up closer to my chest, just wishing something could show me I was alive. Saying i couldn't be happy would be a lie, i could be happy. Yet in some weird reality, I couldn't feel happy. I could laugh and smile along with the peopl around me but never feel anything. The funny part of feeling low was that low is a feeling. Felling low brings its own pain. Feeling numb gives you nothing.

Dan

I go back home to the worn down door my house.

"You can't seem to do anything right!" My mother scream, "Everything always manages to go wrong! So you know how embarrassing it is to have to go to school and listen as a teacher explains how your child ran out of school after having a tantrum?!" You're an embarrassment, Daniel, to everyone.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel the salty liquid burn down my cheeks. To watch as my vision grow blurry and let whatever was in my head out into the open.

But more than anything I wanted to hurt.

My room was cold, I needed to take a shower but couldn't seem to convince myself to do it. That had always been my routine, cut then take a shower. I would feel the hot water deep into my cuts, washing away the blood. "If I have a shower I'll be fine," I whisper into the air. You don't want to move unless you're going to stop being such a faker.

The urge passed over my body like an itch that wanted, no demanded, to be scratched. You need it! No one will find out. And even if they do, no one will care. I clawed at my skin, dragging my nails across my thighs in a vain attempt to get the urge to pass. My nails were short, I had a habit of bitting them, I wasn't sure if I wanted them to be longer or not.

I walked into the bathroom. "I'm fine," I muttered under my breath. "I don't need it, everything's fine." I paced around the small room, know what I should do but feeling as if I wanted to the opposite. Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, don't you want to show you're not a fake. Cause that's exactly what you are. An attention seeking faker. Looks at your cuts. I obliged holding up my shirt to stare at the red lines crisscrossed on my stomach. They're shallow, meaningless. You don't have it bad, you're fine! Just an attention seeking faker.

"I'm not," I protested but was quickly put back to silence. If you're not, show me you're not. Show you're self what you deserve. Let yourself feel the hurt.

Walking back to the sink I opened the tiny drawer underneath it. The blade was hidden in between rolls of toilet paper, though I doubted anyone would ever come looking for it. Carefully unwrapping it from the tissue it was covered in, I took it out and pressed the blunt part of the cold metal against my skin. It was more of a tease than anything, it didn't hurt, nor did I bleed or get the release I desired. But still caused my thoughts to blow with anger and anticipation. Hurry up! You know you want to! You said you wanted to! Now do it!

I put it down again. I didn't get in the shower either. Leaving the room, I scrambled to put my headphones on. Allowing myself to get lost in the music just for a minute. My head was against the wooden door to my closed room, back pressed against it as I sat on the cold floor. The bass vibrated through my ears, melting my emotions with every note. I tried to focus on the music. Just stop thing about anything else.

It didn't work. My mind still racing I took a deep breath and stared at the top of my ceiling. Oddly the only thought that came to mind was Phil. One of the few friends I had ever had, one of the few I had been able to keep around . Sure the others were friends but they could never drag me out when I needed it the most. Phil was my escape in every sense of the word, the only thing that could turn my fake smiles into real ones. The only thing that could really stop the thoughts, even if it was just a moment. "No!" I said out loud as my thought wondered. "We're friends. That's all we are. Friends."