Would you live for me? || Phan DH + PL

Three - Actions

Dan - Monday (the next day)

I opened my eyes and looked up at the space above my bed . My chest felt empty, not that I was ever sure that there was anything in there. I felt the gaping hole over my heart and just longed to feel something. To feel anything. Even pain.

Then I was out of bed, rummaging through my bag and finally fished what I was looking for. A small knife. If was rapped in toilet paper where I had placed it in my bag such that no one else would be able to find it.

I drag myself to the bathroom object in hand and lift up my shirt to expose my scarred skin. You're so disgusting I think as I formed crimson marks along with the ones that had faded to a dull brown.

I flinched as I made more still wincing at every cut. Weak "shut up!" I yell into the empty bathroom. My cuts were fast. I didn't press down but rather just forces the blade as quickly as I could across my skin forcing it to bleed. I'd stopped for a week yet I had already forgotten how it felt. Was this what I really wanted?

No matter what I deserved it. Every drop of blood I had ever drawn would only be a tiny fraction the pain and torture I had caused to other people with my existence. Everyone would be better off without you.

I try to stop the thought but it rings out in my brain like a bell. Over and over again. You're a burden to everyone you've ever spoken too. "No! That's not true." There you go again, talking to yourself.

I got dressed and went to school. My hair was a mess but I didn't care enough that day. I slumped myself into a chair in maths right next to Ashton.

"Do you know where Phil is?!" His tone was slightly panicked as he asked me.

"Contrary to popular belief, despite me and Phil being good or even best friends, we are not joined at the hip," I reply my tone dripping with annoyance. Why did everyone always want to know about Phil? "He's not even in this class," I say rolling my eyes.

Ashton's eyes flashed with anger, something I didn't normally see in the blond haired boy. "Phil didn't come home last night apparently." His voice was monotoned as if he was fighting off whatever strings of swear words he had prepared for me. "And since as you put it you and Phil are good and if not best friends I thought you might know or at least care about where he is." He finished exasperated.

The teacher walked in and began to start the lesson. I was dumbfounded, sat in my chair with my mind frozen yet still going a million miles an hour. Was this even possible?

"Dan. Dan. Dan!" It was the teacher, Mr Ferguson. I snapped to attention looking at the board. "Do you know the answer, Mr Howell?" He asked, clearly not expecting a reply.

"W-what was the question?" I sheepishly asked still in my own world as I attempt to clear my mind.

"Exactly, Mr Howell. Now I have to repeat what I just said just for you and disrupt the whole lesson." I felt the anger bubble underneath the surface of my skin. I chewed down on my lip. Come on Dan you know you're making it harder for everyone. I swallowed deep. Just managing to stop the volcanic eruption that was taking place in my blood. But then he said it. The same words I had told myself that morning. "You're a burden to everyone at the moment Mr Howell."

"Shut up." It started as a low growl, barely audible under my breath. But Mr Ferguson still heard it.

"If you have something to say why don't you enlighten the rest of the class?" He Challenged, the coyness evident in his voice.

"You heard me," I say my voice slowly growing in volume. "Shut up!"

"Ok, Mr Howell if you're done with your tantrum I would like to repeat what you missed."

"Let me save you the bother!" And with that, I picked up my bag and left the class. Slamming the door as I left.

You're only angry because you know it's true Daniel. "You can shush too," I muttered leaving the school building. There was only one place I wanted to go. One place I knew I needed to go.

Phil - Saturday (the night before)

I open the door to my room and shove some clothes in. I don't know when or if I'll be back. I say goodbye to the green and blue walls as I close the door behind me. It was much after I had left Dan at the lake and the last reminisce of sunlight had dwindled away with the sky. As I left the room I decided to take one last thing with and put it in my bag. A small ukulele.

Walking out the red front door, I make sure to close it quietly such that no one could hear. Not that anyone would care. I didn't know where I was going, I didn't even know why I was going. I just knew I had to leave. The dark English streets were cold and I was left alone with all but my shadow. The dim street lamps buzzed, shining their yellow-tinged light onto the dark pavement.

Every regret hung around my head as I yearned to find where I belonged. But how could I find where I belong when I didn't know myself? How could I ask anyone who am I when the only answer I could give was a lie?

My phone buzzed in my pocket, it was Dan. I ignored his text. Despite being alone I felt less lonely than I had in the brick and mortar building I was supposed to call "home". I know I wasn't alone, I know there were people who genuinely cared about me. "It's funny how you can feel the most alone when surrounded by the people who love you the most," I mumble to myself under my breath as I deep walking down the street.

"I'm here complaining about my problem when everyone else has it so much worse than me. I'm a fake. I'm nothing but a privilege faker." The words seemed more and more true as they leave my lips. Because I knew they were true. Because in the end who's opinion could I trust more than my own.

I found a rundown building that had the letters "H O T E L" paint in big red block letter on the side. Taking a deep breath in I places a hand on the handle and enter the building. A musty smell entered my lungs as I looked around at He brown peeling wallpaper. The whole place sent shivers down my spine, giving me the feeling that I wouldn't want to touch anything in that room.

"I guess I'm staying here then." I think to myself as I get walked up to an equally musty smelling room with nothing more than a bed and a lamp.

I layer my head down on the lumpy mattress and just begged my thoughts to silence. I was stupid, none of what I was doing made sense logically. I was a failure.

>•<

As I wake up I look over at my alarm clock, it was 4 am. I had no desire to get up nor did I have any to go back to sleep. I laid there, staring up at the ceiling simply existing within the prison of my life. I felt as if I was paralyzed, being pushed down into the bed such that I couldn't move or get up.

Yet with the overwhelming weight that covered my entire body, I still felt as if I need to get up.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt along with a navy blue hoodie. To be honest, I hated the feeling the dark fabric gave me. I constantly felt the need to prove to everyone how "happy" I was with the bright colours I dawned on my body. But today, I just wanted to blend in. I wanted to fade into the shadows where no one could ever find me.

I picked up my backpack, pulling my hood low over my eyes. After only a moments thought, I decided on a destination and left the empty feeling room.