Empty Living

Endless Accommodations

     Some people are born to be served, others are born to serve; I was born to serve.

     Ever since I was a child, I had always been the one who made sacrifice. The concept of "self" was never really a priority for me growing up, instead it was only ever the needs of others. Maybe it was because I didn't really have the chance or option to be selfish, everything I had to do when I was young was in vain of my parents. Constantly I'd be putting up with random classes that they forced me into despite my resistance, or be working extra hard in school so they wouldn't be dissatisfied with my grades. Lashing out wasn't an option either, the fear of being beat was an overbearing force to be reckoned with. I gave them everything they wanted from me and what I thought they wanted too, it was constant forfeiture. I wonder if it wasn't for how much I gave up for my parents, would I be doing the same now?

     The demands of my parents have certainly been relocated but what I used to offer is still there: astonishing student, hard worker, sacrificial son, etc. It kind of feels like I never stopped giving to them, and even others too. To this day I can never really seem to put my needs, desires, and wishes before those of others. "No one's ever busy, it's all about priorities. People will make time for what they deem important to them," is a common saying of mine. Thinking about it though, it's not just a time thing either, it's an everything kind of saying. Giving something up for someone or something is what it means to value the needs of others before one's own. Personally, I'd give up my own money, time, health, and even happiness to befit someone else. What I need and want always come up as an afterthought, and I don't think that's healthy.

     For ages now I've always modified myself to become a more idealized fit to someone else. I see it like puzzle pieces. They're the piece with the hole and I'm the one who's supposed to conform to the shape. As it is, my piece doesn't fit to anyone perfectly, so I'll shave bits away and add some on so I can. Every time I find myself trying to be their quintessential antithesis or other half, even when they don't do the same for me. Whenever I'm giving my thoughts about how relationships should play off each other, I always say that any good kinship should be mutual in all forms. Pretty ironic that it's one of the few lessons that I constantly teach to others yet ignore myself. I really hate being hypocritical, I really do, I even wrote about it a little back, but I can't help it with this one.

     I've taught myself to expect nothing of people and to shower them with all I have anyways. Doing my very best is all I know, and I can't bear to give anything but my unparalleled effort. It's exasperating to just not know how to not give it my all, because sometimes at my very core, I really do questions whether it's worth it or not. Sometimes when things happen between me and a person or I just go beyond what is needed, my friends will look at me ask "why would you do that?" I'm a pleaser, even when I suffer all I can think about is what some other person needs or feels or whatever. Perhaps one day I'll run out, of the care, of the generosity, of the love. Maybe I'm just pretentious thinking of myself as a constant giver, but so be it. No one has infinite resources, and everything needs to be restocked from time to time.

     It may be selfish, but I want to be restored and refilled with all that I give. I want to be the one who's being accommodated for and not the other way around, the one's who's being treated and filled in without discretion. Wouldn't it be wonderful? Everyone can use a shake up in their life every now-and-again, and I know that I would love a role reversal. What I wish for is certainly self centered, but sometimes it has to be. If I only cared about being serviceable to others, I'd be forgetting the one person I've always got and who's always got me. Myself. 

     Being born to serve doesn't mean that one can't grow to be served too.