The void

Chapter Two

High school was supposed to be the best part of my life. Or at least, that is what people had told me. Some said to cherish the memories and other simply told me to live my life. I couldn't wait for the day I grew up and was able to attend high school. Now however, that I was to officially attend high school all I wanted was to be gone from the world. Went in to my high school completely numb and void of any emotions. High school was supposed to be different yet here I was utterly broken as I have always been.             

  The first time in high school it is normally the time that people branch out meet new people and make memories. That is the way high school was supposed to work. Or so I've been told. The people you meet and the memories are supposed to last a life time and are the ones you can reminisce about when your older and thinking back on the fun times you have had in your life. When we were younger and didn't have a care in the world.  For me it was harder for me to branch out at first, it was easy I could talk but never show any emotions which caused me not to make friends easily. As for the people who tried to be my friend I never let them close enough to know me. Eventually they all stopped trying. Even through all of that I kept feeling like something was missing. It was like there was a hole where the happiness in my heart should be but, it wasn't there I realized it hasn't been there for so long. There was only sadness and pain filling the holes where happiness should be. This feeling to me became known as the void. The void followed me everywhere it was a permanent part of my life and it came along with me to my freshman year. There are very few moments in freshman year that I can really remember that I had pure joy and happiness in my heart and in my life. The small moments when the void was gone, and I was at peace for once in my life. Those memories and the very few I have are the most important to me. Many of the memories involve Jacob. He has been my best friend for so long honestly it seems sometimes he is the only person who knows me and understands. We met in middle school a first we weren't friends but slowly we went from strangers to him being my best friend. He could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry of course he could though. Jacob could make anyone smile even on their worst days that's just who he was. Jacob was kind and he was my shoulder to lean on most days, but he never let me be his. I owe Jacob so much has been there and I never want to lose him. When Jacob and I would hang out most of the time if the void was present, we would sit, and watch movies and we don't even have to talk. He understood what I needed when I needed it. He knows what I was going through and he understood it. One memory I have of him was win he would let me paint his face as the joker. He was so determined to wear the make up to the movies no matter what I said he wouldn't take it off. Eventually he did take off the make up before the movie, yet he left the green color in his hair. I remember it getting all over my sweatshirt from when he would lean his head on my shoulder. He would ride his bike to my house on warm days and we would sit in the basement and watch movies or going swimming in my pool. When we would watch movies, we would spend the rest of the night arguing over what movie was best and the characters in them and of course he always won. During school however our friendship was different. We barely spoke and as time went on the less, we would speak. The most interaction that would happen would be the jokes. One time he took my phone and put it on the table in front of me just to see how long it would take me to find it. Those memories and those moments where so important to me it felt as though even for a second, I was alive and happy especially the moments we were together. Those moments however, never lasted for long eventually the void can back and every time it did it would be stronger and darker than the last time. As freshman year continued it was still spent in a void of darkness with very few moments of true light. I was living a lie with a fake smile and no one saw it. My life had become pointless. It eventually became a routine going from day to day never really living or feeling. It became a life void of any emotions and in the end that destroyed who I was as a person I was no longer the girl I used to be. Most days I would look in the mirror and not be able to recognize the girl staring back at me. She was wearing my face and my clothes, yet her eyes were void of any life or emotion. She was a ghost just there not really living or feel and the fact that I was that girl terrified me to no end. After looking in the mirror I remember crying because I hated who I was becoming, and I didn't want to be this girl anymore. From that day on I slowly began to destroy myself.  

                  As time went on the more became a shadow of a girl who I once was. I was destroying myself in every way possible. I stopped eating and sometimes I wouldn't speak. I spent days and days in my room I never really left I slept the entire day away. Eventually I found a comfort in the dark. The stars and the moon became my peace and those are the days I would finally feel at piece however, when the morning would come so would all the hate the anger and the sadness would come rushing back. That's how my summer after my freshman year of high school detached and depressed. However, like life does it passed, and school started up and I found myself back at high starting my sophomore year of high school. It was the same as before more pointless classes and faking a smile I never believed. It was in biology I was sat next to the only person I really knew in that class. I never thought I would gain a best friend and a sister simply by sitting next to her that day. Isabelle became my best friend that day, and from then on, we were inseparable. We did everything together you never got just one of us if some hung out with Isabelle I was always there too and that's how it was. We had a strong friendship and for a while that friendship let light into the void again. I was happier even if the feeling was only temporary. I was making more memories that I knew would become important to me in the end. Class became the best part of my day because we would sit and talk sometimes just being us. Work went undone and laughing became the focus of biology. After a while she not only was my best friend, she became my sister. As time went on, she learned more about the void than anyone else has ever learned. Eventually she seemed to know more about what I was feeling than I did. Pretty soon the laughter died, and the void came back with a vengeance. It was angry about my happiness and the fact that even for a little while. I never said anything to Isabelle about it coming back but somehow, she already knew. She noticed I was falling into a dangerous place and how if I continued down that path I would never comeback. I had to fight a darkness that was stronger than ever I didn't know how to handle this darkness in me. Eating became a struggle I was having. It eventually got to the point where I would go days without eating even a little bit. I became a ghost again, worse than before. Before no matter how dark I was always able to fake a smile but now I couldn't. The dark days became even darker and the light seemed to disappear more and more till it was gone and all that was left was the darkness. I was completely on my own fighting a void so dark I couldn't see a way out it was like I was surrounded in a cloud of black so thick no light could get through. Isabelle was starting to notice the darkness I was fighting, and she saw that the darkness was getting worse. I never told her what was happening I only forced a smile and a conversation that was light however, despite all that she still saw what no one else did. She stayed and tried to get me to talk even if I wouldn't. She cared because she was friend even though she may not have understood everything that was going on she still tried to help me from sinking farther into the void that I had consumed me known for so long. I didn't get better though I was stuck in a spot of not falling farther in to the void yet not getting out of it.