The void

Chapter Six

I started taking the medication and at first, I was terrified thinking it wasn't going to work. It was going to make everything worse and I would end up dead. However, with some help I was able to let go of my doubts and take them. They took almost a whole week to get into my system, and as they were working their way into my system I became completely unstable. My emotions were out of control I could be happy one minute and crying the next. It was like I had no control on my emotional reactions. When I told my mom, she said it was okay because my body was adjusting to the medication and as usual, she was right. After a week of out of control emotions I started to notice a difference in myself and in my mind. I was almost whole again because the medication couldn't really destroy the void completely. 

Since the void was gone not completely but it was almost gone to the point where it didn't bother me. I wasn't stuck in a constant state of pain and sadness. I had my life back and life in my soul. I was different around my friends and family I would talk and laugh for real. I didn't have to pretend anymore to be this person who was happy because I was happy, and I was learning to fall back in love with life again. I stopped running from my friendships and I stopped keeping them at arm's length. I let my friends in again and I wasn't scared about it. The void became silent and I became this force of life I always was, but the void made me not be able to see through all the darkness it held. Now the disquiet which always made the void seem darker and more dangerous was suddenly silent. The disquiet was no longer making me worry and jump to the worst conclusions. I was at peace with myself. I became close to the people around me and because of the peace I felt I managed to make a new friend despite all the pain I went through.

Caroline became one of the few true friends I have, and we have one of the strongest bonds a friend can have. We became friends the summer of junior year and living within ten minutes of each other also helped. She along with me also suffered with the disquiet and because of that we were able to understand each other without either of us saying a word. Towards the middle of our junior year Caroline came with me and my family on a week long cruise. We spent the entire time making memories that will last a life time. We would stay out on the ship till 1 am every night partying with all the other people on the ship. When we came back to school after it was like we have been friends our entire life. After that she became the first person I told when the void and the disquiet came back. She would be there and support me through it all no matter what time of day or night it was. Caroline became my constant support through this and so was my sister Isabelle. I became the girl I wanted to be for so long and I was finally living my life to the best.

I was this girl who was living life to the fullest and I was loved. However, life isn't fair nor is it easy. By the time my senior year has come around I could feel the void and disquiet coming back with a vengeance. It was like they were mad because I was living a life they couldn't control anymore. For that they wanted to take it back and it caused me to spiral out of control mentally. It was worse the second time around it didn't take months for me to be back into that place but only a few days. I was destroyed mentally constantly back in those thoughts of suicide. I was scared again and angry because the medication has stopped working and I had no clue what to do. So, I went to Caroline and Isabelle and told them everything. They were my strength in that moment in time. So, I held on hoping it would just be a moment in time where I had a slight set back. However, it wasn't just a moment.