The void

Chapter Four

As time went on my shadow became my only friend who saw the truth. She was the part of me that I couldn't lie to or fool. She knew the pain I was in constantly. People in school saw the girl I wanted them to see the girl who was always happy and would be there for anyone if they needed it. Sadly, everyone believed it. At school teachers constantly talked about suicided and how if someone ever felt like they couldn't be alive anymore to come talk to them. They told us we can talk to counselors or them had we ever needed to get help. Talking to people is never easy especially when talking about your feelings. Most adults will turn their heads when they see a kid struggling or simply try and find a solution without considering the possibly that I am drowning in my own thoughts and who I am as a person is being destroyed because of those thoughts. They never seem to want to believe me they can't see I'm dying inside, and it was getting harder and harder to cling to life let alone want to stay. Life was becoming more and more painful by the day.

Days started to become endless. They went one and eventually started to bleed together I could never keep the days straight. Pain became the only thing I could feel it kept me alive but at the same time the pain was pushing me closer and closer to death. Death was something I feared but the more I thought about it the more it felt like home. I feared dying but I knew in the end it would bring me the peace I so desperately craved. Peace was everything I wanted but I felt I would never be able to have in life. Life to me was pain and that's all it ever will be. I want that pain gone I want to be able to smile and fall in love with the little things in life. The more I thought of happiness the more I thought of peace. I started to imagine what peace would look like and all I could see was darkness. That was where I knew I had to be to get the peace and happiness in life. Death in that moment became the dream I wanted to be real. I wanted to be dead. That is the first time I ever admitted it even if it was only for a flitting moment. See death for me it would have been easy to do but as for the people around me well I worried about them. If I left who would look out for them? Who would protect my younger sister? I was constantly worrying about everything that could possibly happen had I died. How could I just leave knowing that I was passing my pain on to my friends and family. They'd have to listen to the rumors passing through the school about the girl who killed herself. Could I really do it? Could I really leave knowing the pain I'm running from is going to someone else?

I had to face the truth about the fact that I'd rather suffer in silence than pass my pain on to the people who love me. Now even though I fought against suicide doesn't exactly mean that I was out of that point. I constantly thought about it still. It was in my mind day after day and night after night. I was gone yet I was still here. I was breathing yet I didn't want to be. I wanted to scream I wanted to know why I was made this way. My life wasn't bad but why do I have to suffer this pain and hopelessness. I wanted to be happy I wanted to be excited by things in life again. Yet here I was worse than ever and not talking. Still not letting someone in still not tell anyone what I was now thinking about. Not telling them I've had to talk myself out of so many problems because I couldn't drop my walls, I couldn't let them in. And I didn't want too not anymore maybe had I really tried I could've opened up to what was going on but now it was impossible.