The void

Chapter Five

I'm a shell of the girl I once was. Going through the motions not living. I hated looking in mirrors and seeing the emptiness in my eyes. The longer I looked the more I could see the weight loss and how my body was just a shell no longer filled with life. Watching the tears stream down my face as I hated the person in the mirror. I couldn't love myself anymore all that was in me was hate. Relationships became the one way I was able to feel like I was loved, and it filled the void where the love of myself should be. For a while it helped, I was happy because I was loved even if it is one-sided. Still the suicidal thoughts were still there and getting worse and worse as time went on. I became scared of being by myself and being left with the thoughts that are constantly there. I wanted help I needed the help but asking for it was worse. Till my sister found me one day at my worst.

I was in the bathroom at school crying while staring at the mirror. I picked up the phone completely numb and called the number of the person who I knew would answer no matter what. She picked up and I couldn't get any words out when I tried it came out in loud sobs and pain. She found me a few minutes later and took one look at me and the next thing I knew I was in the nurse. Leaning on my sister crying through the pain and finally opening my mouth to let some of the thoughts out. I started with how I wanted to die. How I wanted to be gone. How some nights I begged to not wake up while staring at the stars and the moon. How leaving my bed and putting on a show during school was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. How all day and night it felt like there was something heavy sitting in and on my chest making it so I couldn't breathe. Or at least I thought I couldn't breathe. The entire time I'm talking the nurse called my mom and the next thing I knew I was going home. However, the look my sister Isabelle gave me while I was talking stuck with me all day. She looked devastated like she never knew it had gotten so bad. I felt bad about not telling her because I know she thought I was telling her everything, but I just was scared I didn't want to be treated differently in life.

Suddenly I was in the car with my mom on the way home. She once again started firing questions at me and the look in her eyes destroyed me. I knew that she was so worried about me than I ever thought she could be. She suggested I go to counseling and the second she said it I knew I could never do it. How could I open to a stranger when I could barely open to the people who are supposed to be the most trusted. The truth was I couldn't. I wanted another option. I didn't want counseling. What I was dealing with was scarier and more dangerous than any counselor could deal with. So, my mom gave me another option which was to talk to my doctor and see what my options are and what I could do to help me become the girl I wanted to be again. So, we made an appointment and for the first time I felt hope. I could do this, and I could really be the girl I used to be.

A few weeks later I was in the doctor's office. Even then I was completely terrified about having to talk to her about everything poisoning my mind. I was terrified of the fact that my mom would hear everything that I was going through. Everything that I had kept a secret from her. Once I was with my doctor, she made my mom leave and as soon as the door closed, I broke and told her everything. The void that constantly consumed me and the disquiet that consumed every thought and every doubt. I talk and she listened only stopping to ask questions every now and again. When I finished with everything, she called my mom back in to the room and asked if she noticed any changes in me. Which my mom did, she noticed the weight loss and the loss of my happiness and life in my soul. We talked about my options and in the end decided it was best for me to take medication to help balance the void and the disquiet. I thanked her and made an appointment to come back in a month to see if the medication had help and if I was doing better.