The void

Chapter Seven

Caroline's eighteenth surprise party was the day I realized I was in real danger from my own mind. I was driving Caroline and me were driving to her party and I was numb again but this time all I could I was driving Caroline and me were driving to her party and I was numb again but this time all I could think was what would happen if I hit that tree with my car. I had to finally tell my mom the truth again and this time it was worse. I came home with Caroline by myside and went to my mom crying about how I wanted to end my life for good.

I wasn't allowed to be alone from that moment on and I wasn't someone was always there to offer me strength until I could be on my own. I went back to the doctors weeks later and went through the same process as before. I told her how I constantly was thinking of the ways to end my life. She decided to up the amount of the medication I was taking to see how I reacted. She told me to come back again after six weeks to once again see how the medication was helping me. The medication dose I was on before was nothing compared to this. Before I could feel the void hanging over me just waiting for the chance to strike, the disquiet was always in the back of my mind waiting for the perfect moment to let the doubts seep back into my mind. Now the void was completely gone the darkness that was somehow always hovering in the back of my mind. The disquiet's doubts where gone never trying to spill the doubts in my mind again. I was completely free for the first time in a long time. I became a completely different girl. I was more carefree and at peace with myself than I have ever been. It was the best feeling in the world to be as happy as I was. I was laughing more and more I was back to dancing and singing in the kitchen. The way I have always wanted to be.

The days that went by were full of light and happiness. Jessie my aunt who I absolutely adore can home in the days that followed. She was one of the few people that I trusted all while the bad things were happening. She was my strength and the one person who I truly look up to and I have looked up to her every day since I was a little girl. I love when she comes home, and I can see her again. It always makes me the happiest when I see her. The way she is always the loudest person present but somehow is the only person who understands me. She was the light in my life and still is to this very day. When she came home those following days it was the best time of my life with her. We talked and laughed and just had the best time of our lives. She always gave me hope whenever I was struggling. She had to leave after a few days and when she left it was always the hardest goodbye I had to say. She lived hours away from us and it was too far away for me to visit regularly so I had to settle for the few days she could come down. Every time she left it always hurt but this time she told me she was so proud of who I have become and how I am so much stronger now. She noticed the way I carried myself was lighter than ever before. She noticed the difference and that made me so happy.

I am the girl who struggled with suicide, depression, and anxiety. To me these have been known as the void and the disquiet. I struggled and kept it to myself for longer than I should have because I didn't trust the people around me. It wasn't until I met certain people in my life that helped me realize that I could voice my troubles. I had to trust the people around me to believe me and to catch me when I fell. And that's exactly what they did. They caught me and helped me learn to be who I was. I became the better version of myself and the happiest person I could be.