indirects // a.b

2.6

i think
i have managed
to achieve
true happiness

but what is
true happiness?

is 
true happiness
a feeling in your chest?
a feeling in your stomach?
a feeling in your heart?

is
true happiness
supposed to feel amazing?
supposed to feel heartwarming?
supposed to feel unbelievably welcoming?

is 
true happiness
how you laugh at his jokes?
how you appreciate his smile?
how you compliment his talents?

is
true happiness
in the achievement of hanging out with him?
in the achievement of him noticing you exist?
in the achievement of taking the bus with him?

is 
true happiness
the tears you weep?
the nausea you carry?
the anger you feel?

is 
true happiness
the hate you feel towards yourself?
the guilt you feel towards yourself?
the hurt you feel towards others?

because 

i absolutely 

do 

not

know 

what true happiness feels like.