indirects // a.b

3.1

i haven't been myself lately
or rather
i haven't seen myself lately

the blank empty walls of my room taunt me 

they chuckle and laugh
but most importantly
they watch and see

all the times i've spent wishing i was outside
all the times i've wished i was somewhere else
all the times i've stayed in bed wishing i wasn't here
and
all the times i've spent crying over you

it's pathetic to want you
especially when your heart belongs to someone else
even though you never would look at me that way
i still hope things work differently

this isn't directed towards anyone in particular
if that isn't obvious already

this is a wishful complaint
and a way for me to spill my emotions without anyone knowing
because honestly, 
i don't think this is worth it

everyday feels like thunder storms and cloudy nights at home
and although i find peace and comfort in the rain
all that's left is pain and one-sided wanting

the clouds weep and so do i 

because who can blame them? 
the sky understands and realizes the severity
and acknowledges the pain that resides in being alone

sad songs make me think of you
sad stories make me long for you
sad scenarios dance upon my head and make me wish you never existed

nothing will ever fill this void and i'm okay with it

nothing will cover the emptiness inside and i'm relieved.

longing for love is like crawling across cracked sand
clawing at the rocks 
your throat parched
your muscles exhausted
but your mind fueled by hopeless naivety 
because you've thoroughly convinced yourself
that a rewarding oasis spring awaits your arrival

there is a line between wishful wanting and complete dumbfounded ignorance
and clearly, 
i seem to have passed that line a long time ago

and honestly i just wish i had someone to hold
someone to hug
someone to talk to
someone to love me

hell,

i just want someone to love.