breathing problems (marvel high school AU)

four

trigger warning: panic attacks

-

"loki! get down here!"

loki grumbled as he got out of bed.
"okay!" he yelled from his room.

he went down the small hallway to meet his father. he stood over him with a stern look in his face.

"why did i find the cable box broken when i got home?"

loki furrowed his eyebrows. "i-i didn't do that!" loki thought back to that morning when he entered school and thor's gang of idiots went the opposite way, never going though the doors.

"you have been the only one home all day. thor is doing something productive." odin sneered at him.

"i promise! i didn't do it." loki pleaded.

"i don't want to hear it. you're grounded until we have enough money to pay for another one." and turned on his heel to walk out of the room leaving loki stood there alone.

why did thor do this to him? he knew loki would be blamed.

'everyone hates me' he thought.
i'm useless.
i don't deserve to be here.
i don't deserve peter
or a bed
or a life
i hate myself
i hate myself i'm useless i don't deserve life i'm uselessimuselesshelp
toomuch toomuch
lights everywhere helpicant breathe
help help help help

he heard his heartbeat ringing in his ears and his hands shook. he slowly became more aware of his surroundings.

you'reokay there'snothingtopanicabout.

his breathing slowed to calm and he collected himself.

in his panic he had fallen to his knees and things around him had been knocked over, but he didn't move from his spot. seemingly his so called super powers had pushed everything away.
that never happened before.

just text peter that will make it better.
loki got up and began walking to his room. the creaking noise from thor's room startled him, but he decided to investigate. he peeked though the door and it was the one and only jane foster in his room while he tried to fit though his window (which is how jane got here) (of course he had her go first. i wonder why)
loki shut the door immediately. he did not need the trouble at the moment.

he walked into his own dark room and picked up his phone from his unmade bed.

peter👏🥔🐼

hey can you come over?

yeah i can come rn is
something wrong?
meh i'm good just wanna
talk about random stuff.
can i go over there? jane
foster is over and i'm sure
sure we both don't want
to know how that ends up

yeah definitely lmaoo
see ya in a few
——

it's a much nicer environment at peters house. though it's not quite my bedroom, it is my second home. peter is sat down on his couch with his feet kicked out on the table right in front. i'm laying with my head resting on his thighs and the rest of my body taking up the couch.

"pete would i pass?" i look up at him.

"would you pass....what?" he glances down at me.

i sigh

"a girl." quietly comes out of my mouth, like it's forbidden. like the word would burn my lips as i said it, like a soap bar would be stuck in my mouth.
but none of that happens, and peter gently smiles down at me.

"is that what you would like?" he says equally as quiet.

"i-um.. i..."
my breathing picks up slightly.
i burry my face in my hands.

"hey," peter runs his fingers in my long black hair. "it's okay, remember i'm a trans boy? i get it" peter is gentle, like i might crack any second.

as much as i feel absolutely helpless and needy and a crybaby and a wanabe and what if i'm faking oh god—

"i-i .. i ... i um.."
tears fill up my eyes.
"i, um.. i just.. i"
my voice wavers as i speak.
"i.. can't"
it comes out a whisper.

i bury my face in the bottom of peters sweater.
tears are streaming down my face.
it's not that i can't say it to peter.

i just don't know if i can say it to myself.

it.

oh god i don't think i'll ever be able to do this look how pathetic you are you're supposed to be a boy why can't you just be good at the one thing you're assigned at birth your just faking you're all wrong how could you think that you're disgusting just say it but you can't you're a loser and big fucking looser

"loki you're okay, everything is going to be okay"

why does peter deal with you you shouldn't be allowed to be here i don't know what to do
chestis gettingtighter
can't breathe
you should die you deserve to die kill your self you don't deserve to live nobody likes you you're a burden
noonelikes you diediedie go die die imdying dying dyingdying help
helpim notbreathing help i m loosing imdying help helphelpim
dying icant this i'mdyIng
helphelphelphelphelp