Claiming His Love {manxman}

CHL: Chapter Fourteen

Nikolai Lyev Baranov

I thought about it.

I thought excruciatingly long and definitely hard about it. 

I thought for a long time.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Imani reached over to grab my hand, squeezing it. "I'm not saying you should, but I need to make sure that you are okay with this decision," She looked into my eyes deeply, trying to see if a lie would come forth. Trying to see if that bout of hesitation would somehow rise. 

I thought about it for a while.

"You don't have to do it because you feel pressure from others coming forward, you know that right?" I nodded, listening to her as I fiddled with the rips in my black skinny jeans. I heard her alright. "That's not why I'm doing it," I murmured, looking off into the distance. "I'm doing it for me." And it was true. I thought about everything. I was so angry, so betrayed, so vengeful at the time of my banishment. I was so hurt that no one stood up for me and defended my honor. It was the worst kind of betrayal that someone could ever experience and I thought that was why it turned into cold, bitter resentment. 

I was fueling my hate, even more, every day that I saw these people, and it wasn't doing me any good to hold in and keep turning the wheel. It wasn't doing my heart any good when I kept feeling it with negativity. I had to be selfish, so that's why instead of me being hateful and full of contempt, I was going to be happy. I wanted to be happy and despite the many challenges, I was going to be. I knew if I wanted to stop pitying myself and hating myself for what they did to me, I had to leave behind the hatred. I had to leave behind the stale taste of bitterness.

Not for them, but for me.

"I know, Imani, I know. Trust me," I patted her hands as I let out a harsh sigh. My wolf was nodding in approval, trying his best to give me the strength that I needed. "This isn't easy for me considering everything that I've been through. I'm just tired of feeling so sad, so empty, so worthless." I felt dejected, down to the root of my liberating soul. "They hurt me so much to the point where I thought I would never see a day of my life again, but I deserve peace." I smiled, standing up, pleased with my decision. 

"Call Mikhail and tell him to set up a pack meeting in the common room in the next five minutes," I cracked my knuckles, slipping on a turquoise shirt. "Please?" I mumbled and she exited the room like the Flash. There was no time like the present and I had to it now before I lost all my courage. I vaguely remembered what happiness felt like, tasted like, looked like. It was all a big blur in the back of my head and I longed to feel it once again. These last years, pain was a consistent feeling. I was tired of putting on a fake smile and pretending like everything was okay and that it was just another day. I was tired of being tired.

And that all was going to change. 

"Hey," Imani breathed heavily as she crashed into the doorway, her black dress flowing over with every breath. "Mikhail's got everyone ready for you," She tilted her head, smiling up at me, letting me know that she was proud. "You are a strong man, Niko, and I envy you." She reached up to caress my cheek and I kissed her hand. "Why envy me? I got you by my side to help me get through everything." I grabbed her hand and together, we exited the room, making our way to the crown room.

Most of all, I deserved love.

I could smell the scents of worry, fear and anxiety mingled in with confusion as we inched closer to the packed room. My first day back, I felt out place, awkward and scared. Now, I felt confident and I felt empowered. Today marked the beginning of a new day. Imani and I opened the double door and stepped in, the room falling to a shallow silence. Everyone's eyes fell on me and my meticulous smirk as I made my way to the stage, where Mikhail was waiting for me. Before, I would unconsciously flinch away from him and sneer at everything he said. But now when I looked at his regretful features, sagged and low with worry, I felt nothing.