Queer As Folk - What Happened Next?

6. Nothing At All

"Without saying a word you can light up the dark...the smile on your face lets me know you need me...there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me..."

Justin startles himself out of his reverie, feeling everything swoosh back into focus, even down to the air in his lungs being forced in and out. How long has he been sitting for? The studio is a blueish black, much darker than it was when he sat down with a cup of tea. 

His eyes flicker over to the low table beside him, it's still there, full nearly to the top, the milk now sitting in a swirly pattern on the surface. He reaches out feeling the ceramic, it's stone cold to the touch. Picking the mug up to take to the sink, he unfurls his legs, groaning softly when he realises how numb his feet feel.

Waiting for the feeling to return, in the space of time just before the pins and needles start, Justin tries to sort out his feelings. It's been days since he moved everything into the studio, sorting and re-sorting until he was satisfied, justifying the time spent in his mind. He's achieved not a single piece of work since he's been in New York; zero, nothing, zip, nowt. Nothing at all.

And he's not going to until he starts painting. But there's the rub. How do you start creating when you're numb not only on the outside but the inside too?

~~~

Lindsay almost skips along the street in her excitement, checking items off in her head with glee.

Move house, no move countries - check. Find a house - check. Find daycare and pre-school - check. Open new bank accounts, sort out medical records and cards, get tax numbers - check, check, check. Mel finds work - no check, but some very real possibilities so nearly a check. Lindsay to find work - CHECK!

"Mel!" she calls as soon as she gets in the house. "I got it! I got it!!!!" Squealing she runs into Melanie's arms, avoiding the spaghetti hoops that Mel seems to be wearing on her collar, and gets a huge hug in return.

"That's wonderful! When do you start?" Mel huffs, putting her down after twirling her around their rather tight hall. 

"Monday!" She knows it's a little tight, with only being four days away but they've already got so much done, now it's only little things that are left that she can either sort on her lunch breaks or Mel can before she starts working.

"Wow! Well I'd better get a shift on!" Mel replies, the smile around her face becoming just a tad tighter before she brushes it off and follows Lindz into the kitchen to see the kids. 

~~~

Phoebe finishes off a very hasty phone call to Daphne as soon as she hears Justin's key in the lock. "You have mail!" she says, brightly, too brightly, handing him a couple of envelopes before plonking herself on the sofa, her head at slightly too much of an angle to be watching the TV, "And there's soup!"

Justin thanks her. Soup? Really? Again? Maybe he should start cooking more often, although it is doing wonders for his waistline, he's two notches further in on his belt than when he arrived. The top envelope is the bill for the canvasses that he was expecting, he just hopes the amount inside matches what he's expecting too. And the one underneath is...he stops walking when he sees the handwriting, recognising the scrawl in black ink of his name and address. Has Brian sent him a letter? Quickly opening the envelope without thinking if it could be good news or bad, Justin pulls out another smaller envelope, this time with the the address of Brian's loft crossed out with this address written slightly to the side. 

Is that it? Looking inside the larger of the two envelopes Justin sees there's nothing else there. It's completely empty. Opening the smaller of the two envelopes he pulls out an alumni leaflet for his old school which mentions something about a planned reunion for next year. Looking at what's in his hands Justin slumps, thinking. This is the first contact he's had from Brian and it's just this?! Tearing both envelopes and the leaflet in half he starts walking towards his room.

"Justin! Your soup?!"

"No thanks, I'm not hungry..." 

~~~

Debbie adjusts her hands on her lap for what feels like the hundredth time and breathes out. When she'd told Carl that morning that she may be out all day on her day off she didn't really think that she'd mean all day. But here she is and here she'll wait. At least there's things to watch whilst she's waiting. 

It's a hive of activity she has to admit. She had no idea that this many people worked here now, and she sees hardly anyone she recognises from the launch night. Cynthia has been very kind of course, constantly apologising and offering coffee and Ted's been whizzing around, chatting to her every time he comes out of his office but there's one person who has stayed in his own office all day and she knows damn well that he knows she's here. 

All day long people are in and out of the top office, or at least that's what she presumes is his office. Groups come and go, individuals come and go and it's only towards the end of the working day when people have started to leave and the office thins out that Debbie's patience grows even stronger. She's quite proud of herself for not barging in there or at least attempting to, but she'd decided over a few days of mulling things over that today she needs to play him at his own game. 

The noise level lowers, computer screens are turned off and still she waits. Lights dim, people get their coats on and nod to her as they go out, she's been a fixture all day and she supposes people have got used to her sitting there. Even Cynthia and Ted start to pack up, the two last to leave as far as she can make out, Ted offering to sit with her but she tells him to go home to Blake. His face beams when she mentions Blake and the thought of how happy he is again keeps her warm for another half hour. 

Eventually, the door to the inner sanctum slides open and is left open, which she takes as a silent, albeit reluctant, invitation.  Getting up a little stiffly after sitting in the same chair all day long, Debbie makes her way across to the doorway, looking around once she crosses the threshold to see Brian standing at his desk with his back to her.

"Why did you say you were my mother?"

Debbie purses her lips, looking at his tall frame, noting how big his jacket looks on him, how his suit pants are hanging off his hips, how even his hair has grown longer since she last saw him. 

"Because I am, to all intents and purposes..."

"Bullshit, you thought it would get you in faster!"

"Maybe."

"The thing is is that I threw my mother out of here quite a few months ago when she decided to tell me that my cancer was punishment from God..."

Debbie is shocked at his words, surely she didn't? But she knows all too well that Brian doesn't lie so she must have done. She bristles for him, knowing that all he's ever needed was to be shown some love by his parents, the parents he's always loved underneath all the bravado. 

"...So I knew it wasn't her. That only left you."

"So why'd you leave me sitting there all day?!" Debbie demands, walking towards him some more. 

"Busy, busy!"

"Busy busy my ass!" She's stung by his sing-song voice and careless attitude. "You might be busy busy here but you're not busy busy with what you should be doing!"

Brian sighs and turns around, his voice hard, "And that is?"

Blinking, she finds a second to get her voice. The man standing in front of her is pale, pasty with dark circles under his eyes, looking worse than he did when he was having cancer treatment. Instead of biting his head off she softens her question, "Why are you ignoring Sunshine?"

There it is. The question he's been avoiding all day, the name that he's been trying to avoid for weeks. Of course she'd just come out with it, he wouldn't expect anything less, but even so, the sound of it hits him hard. 

Debbie watches him struggle. Struggle to answer, struggle to even hear it seems. She takes pity on him much earlier than she thought she would or had planned. Walking up to him, she looks up at his face, seeing the clenched jaw, the iron will, and she lays her hand on his arm, her touch almost startling him. 

"Brian, what are you doing?"